relationships | Ascension Lifestyle

09 Jul 2022
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How Stress Hits Women’s Brains Harder—and Why Men Don’t Always Get It

If you’ve been stressed out and ignoring it—isn’t everyone stressed right now?— it could be time to do something about it. That’s because even though you may be basically healthy, tension is doing its stealthy damage. The latest evidence? Researchers have linked high levels of the stress hormone cortisol to brain shrinkage and impaired memory in healthy middle-aged adults. And get this: The effect was more pronounced in women than in men.

This research underscores an important point. Though stress affects your whole body, ground zero is your brain. It’s not just the effects of cortisol—it’s that teeth-grinders like traffic jams, personal snubs, and financial worries are perceived and interpreted by your gray matter. Fortunately, research focused on the brain is pointing to new, more effective ways to reduce your tension.

But first, let’s drill down and see how and why your brain’s natural reactions make you more vulnerable to the zings and arrows of tension.

How Stress Affects Your Brain

Aspects of the brain’s design that served us well thousands of years ago now make us susceptible to negative emotions and mental fatigue, both of which ratchet up our stress, says Amit Sood, M.D., professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic and founder of the Mayo Clinic Resilience Program. Although our brains have evolved over time, “the speed of life today is the main stressor—it’s much faster than our brain’s ability to adapt,” he says. And that means we often end up with too little time and too few resources to address what life throws at us each day, which adds to a diminishing sense of control over our lives. Perceived lack of control has been shown to be a huge source of stress.

In his book Mindfulness Redesigned for the Twenty-First Century, Dr. Sood describes a number of traps that frequently ensnare our brains. Three of the most challenging:

Focus Problems

When giant predators roamed Earth, a scanning, outward-directed focus served us well—but today that focus is directed inward. Now, 80 percent of the time, our minds are wandering, stuck in an unfocused state even if we’re not aware of it.

Studies have found that this state makes us less happy, and the unhappier we are, the more our attention wanders and our thoughts pile up. It’s like having a huge set of open files on your computer, Dr. Sood says, only they’re in your brain, distracting you and demanding attention. Our tech dependence, a source of constant distraction, adds to our inability to focus.

Fear

Our survival depends on the ability of the brain (mostly the amygdala) to detect physical and emotional threats. Moments or events that elicit fear raise our heart rate, which the brain stores as information that might protect us from future danger. This so-called negativity bias makes us prone to paying more attention to bad news than to good. We readily remember bad things that happen to us because our brains also release hormones that strengthen those specific memories, and this further embeds them in our minds. The result? More stress.

Fatigue

While a number of body organs (e.g., the heart and the kidneys) can keep going like the Energizer bunny, the brain is not one of them. After working hard, it needs rest. The more boring and intense an activity is, the faster your brain will grow tired—and that can happen in as little as four minutes or as much as an hour or two. You can tell when your brain is fatigued (it has to signal this indirectly, since it has no pain receptors) because your eyes feel tired and stuff happens—you start making errors, become inefficient, lose your willpower, or see a dip in your mood. Brain fatigue leads to stress, and stress leads to fatigue, in a continuous closed loop.

Why Stress Hits Women Harder Than Men

Stress almost seems to have it out for women. In an annual survey by the American Psychological Association, women have repeatedly reported higher levels of tension than men and sometimes even more stress-related physical and emotional symptoms, including headache, upset stomach, fatigue, irritability, and sadness.

What’s more, midlife women have been found to experience more stressful events than both men and women of any other age, reports an ongoing study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Institute on Aging. Stress overload may even lead to chronic disease: Long-term pressures at home and work plus stress from traumatic events almost doubles the risk of type 2 diabetes in older women, according to a recent study at the University of California, San Francisco. Women are also more prone to stress-induced mental health problems such as depression and anxiety disorders.

Here’s the why of it: A triple whammy makes women uniquely vulnerable to strain and pressure, says Dr. Sood. First, women’s brains make them more sensitive than men to stressors and a perceived lack of control. The limbic areas of women’s brains, which help control emotions and memories, are highly active, making them remember hurts and slights more readily. Stewing over these and having difficulty letting them go strengthens the brain circuits of those negative emotions—another example of the negativity bias at work—which also increases women’s stress.

In addition, the multiple demands of parenting and being in charge of the well-being of the household mean that women’s focus tends to be more diffuse. And an unfocused brain, as noted earlier, is another source of stress. A mom’s protective radar is always up for her kids too, which makes her sense a threat more quickly, and she’s more likely than her husband to get stuck and dwell on it, says Dr. Sood.

What Men Don’t Always Get

The differences in how men and women experience tension don’t play out in isolation, of course. They affect how husbands and wives, friends, and work colleagues experience and interpret the world—and yes, often the result is conflict. If you’re a woman, think of a time you had an upsetting disagreement with your boss. When you vented to your husband about it—how your boss looked at you, what she said, how you responded, how you felt, what she said next—maybe you saw his eyes glaze over, and maybe he said, “It’s over now; why don’t you just let it go and talk to her tomorrow?” Which made you feel hurt, angry, and dismissed—and depending on which feeling was uppermost, you either escalated the conversation into an argument or retreated to mull it over.

New studies are looking at how the genders process stress in the moment and coming up with reasons for the disconnect. Recently, using fMRI to measure brain activity, researchers at the Yale University School of Medicine found that while imagining a personalized, highly stressful event, the action- and planning-oriented parts of men’s brains were actively engaged, while women’s brains were busy visualizing and also cognitively and emotionally processing the experience.

In the second part of the study, when men and women were experiencing intense anxiety, brain regions that were active in women were inactive in men. This suggests that women tend to get caught up in processing their stress, turning it over and over in their minds and reimagining it, says Rajita Sinha, Ph.D., director of the Yale Interdisciplinary Stress Center.

“Women cope by talking about being anxious and describing their emotions and stressors,” she says. This could put them at risk for ruminating about the issues. Men seem not to access that cognitive-processing part of their brains and “are more likely to quickly think about doing something, taking an action, as opposed to expressing their distress verbally. It’s just the difference in the way we’re wired.”

That might explain why women tend to provide emotional support to someone who is stressed, whereas men might offer advice or something tangible like money or physical help. Ironically, what both genders want is emotional support when they’re tense, says Jennifer Priem, Ph.D., associate professor of communication at Wake Forest University. So men and women who are stressed out prefer to get support from women.

Bridging the Gender Stress Gap

Priem has found that problems arise between couples when each person has a different perception of what’s stressful. The result: When people are really tense, their partners aren’t necessarily motivated to offer support if they think, If I were in this situation, I wouldn’t consider it that big a deal. So how do you get the response you want when you need it?

Ask your partner to just listen

“That’s number one—listening to and validating the other person’s feelings,” says Sinha. “So even just saying ‘You’re really frustrated by this’ in a nonjudgmental way is validating and will ease someone’s anxiety.”

Explain that you feel defensive when he dismisses your experience

“When a partner downplays the significance of something, the person who’s stressed may hold on to it more or feel they have to convince the other person it’s true and that they have a right to feel that way,” says Priem. “You might say, ‘I’m really upset right now, and I feel frustrated when it seems you’re making light of my feelings. It would make me feel better if you’d be more responsive to the fact that I’m upset, even if you don’t understand it.’”

Treat yourself with compassion

“Women tend to be more self-critical about not being able to control their emotions,” says Sinha. So they may see a partner’s comment as judgmental even when he didn’t mean it that way. If that’s the case, forgive yourself and let it go—and hug it out, which can reduce tension and boost positive feelings.

Learning to negotiate conflicts is a big step in easing pressures. Also important: figuring out strategies to deal with the distractions, fears, and fatigue your brain naturally accumulates (see below for four smart ones). These can help you take stress in stride, with a terrific payoff: better health and greater happiness, plus a more resilient brain.

How to Control Stress and Calm Your Brain

To keep stress in check, you should of course be eating healthfully, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep to improve your mood, emotions, and cognition. But those are just the basics—and they’re not always easy to accomplish, especially when life is throwing lots of tension your way. Dr. Sood has advice that can up your stress-reducing game, based on the successful resilience program he runs at the Mayo Clinic. Here, four of his brain-focused, research-based strategies that work in just minutes a day.

Give your brain some RUM

That stands for Rest, Uplifting emotions, and Motivation. You need all three to help energize your brain and head off fatigue. So when you’re engaged in a task, take three to five minutes every couple of hours (or sooner, if you start getting fidgety) and pause for RUM.

How-to: Get up from your computer, or stop what you’re doing, and look at photos of your kids or of your favorite vacation spot, read inspiring quotes, text or call a friend, or watch a happy short video. Choose an activity that makes you feel good and is motivating.

Begin a morning gratitude practice

Take control of your brain before it gets hijacked by the day’s concerns and greet the morning in a happier, more connected frame of mind.

How-to: When you first wake up, before you get out of bed, spend a few minutes thinking of some people who care about you and silently send them your gratitude. Another reason it’s a good idea: A recent study found that anticipating a stressful day when you first wake up affects your working memory later that day—even if nothing stressful actually happens. (Working memory is what helps you learn things and retain them even when you’re distracted.)

Be mindfully present

Meditation is a great stress reliever, but not everyone can sit still, looking inward, for 20-plus minutes. Good news for the fidgety: Research has shown that focusing your attention outward engages the same brain network, so you can get similar stress-easing benefits by consciously giving the world your attention.

How-to: Challenge yourself to be curious and notice details—the color of the barista’s eyes at the coffee shop, the pattern of your boss’s necktie, which flowers are blooming in your neighborhood. Curiosity feeds the brain’s reward network, which makes you feel good; it also augments memory and learning.

Focus on kindness

Even the nicest among us are quick to judge others, especially if they’re different from us (thank the amygdala, a region of the brain that interprets difference as a threat).

How-to: To calm the amygdala, focus on two things when you’re feeling judgy about someone: that every person is special, and that everyone has struggles. Start a practice of sending silent good wishes to people you pass on the street or in the halls at work. The benefits for you: Your oxytocin, the hormone of connectedness, rises; your heart rate slows; and you feel more benevolent. All of which makes you healthier and happier.

Original article here

27 Jun 2022
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How to Stop “Shoulding” Yourself

A dear friend — a friend I admire for her ability to guide others — recently admitted to suffering from a bout of the “shoulds.” She pointed out that every time she told herself she “should” have done something or “should” be doing something, she was essentially flagellating and shaming herself.

Barbara Barna Abel, a media coach and the host of the Camera Ready & Abel podcast, is the friend I’m speaking of. “We get stuck into this idea of an endless list of things we should do in terms of life, career, how we live our lives, or what we believe in,” she told me. “My feeling is we get stuck in what we should feel and what we should do versus what we want to do, what makes us happy, what we’re good at, and where our passions lie.”

“Shoulds” are an inevitable part of everyone’s self-speak vocabulary, but this can be both a good thing and a bad thing. Barna Abel says the “shoulds” often feel burdensome to her because they imply obligation. “When [we’re] doing something because we feel we ‘should’ and it’s out of obligation, we also start to build resentment toward ourselves, other people, and situations that can lead to depression, a victim mentality, and all sorts of other [negative] things. When we’re doing things because we ‘should,’ we gloss over the idea of choice,” she says.

Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor at the department of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of Fierce Self-Compassion, says though the “shoulds” can spur you into action temporarily, over-“shoulding” can carry negative side effects, like reinforcing fears of being unacceptable and a fear of failure. “This actually creates performance anxiety and [feelings of] failure, which undermines your ability to achieve in the long run,” she says, adding that procrastination and performance anxiety can make it harder for you to do your best, have grit, and stay focused on your goals.

A propensity toward a “should” mindset can come from early neural imprinting within fear-driven cultures, says neuroscientist Tara Swart, author of The Source: The Secrets of the Universe, the Science of the Brain. “Cultures can mean family, society, school, or religion. Even in adulthood, the ‘shoulds’ are about the things you had to do to survive without punishment, which can be literal or be shame, guilt, or humiliation.” Telling ourselves we “should” be doing this or “should” be doing that subconsciously brings up the shame or guilt that would have been the punishment for not behaving as expected during childhood, says Swart.

Though the word “should” in self-talk can seem — and sometimes is — innocuous, it can also signal that we’re being hard on ourselves, and that’s something to be aware of. Negative self-talk can lead us to perceive the world as an “unsafe and punitive place with scarce resources,” says Swart, which can feed into a victim mentality rather than a sense of agency over our lives, and keep us from taking healthful risks.

Science recognizes the harsh impact negative self-talk can have on our psyches, outlook, and health. In 2018, Neff, who has conducted tons of research about the power of self-compassion, examined how self-compassion affected academic performance for college students. It was associated with “reduced self-presentation concerns and increased student communication behavior,” implying greater class participation. “Self-compassion allows students to see themselves clearly, accept their mistakes and imperfections, and take action to correct mistakes,” reads the conclusion of the study.

Another randomized field experiment conducted by different researchers found that children with negative competence beliefs would often achieve below their potential in school. They also looked at whether engaging in positive self-talk would benefit the students’ mathematics performance. The researchers found that kids who weren’t all that confident, but engaged in encouraging self-talk performed better and effectively “severed the association between negative competence beliefs and poor performance.” It seems they gave themselves permission to succeed by learning positive ways to self-reassure.

Negative self-talk can even take a physical toll on us if we aren’t careful. Swart says it reduces the DOSE hormones: dopamine for reward, oxytocin for bonding, serotonin for mood, and endorphins for the feel-good factor. “It leads to increases in the stress hormone cortisol, which puts our brain in survival mode and doesn’t free up resources for higher brain functions like regulating emotions or overturning biases, including those we have against ourselves,” she explains.

Neff says negative self-talk is often linked to depression and anxiety. “Self-criticism activates the sympathetic nervous reaction, which is your fear response (or your fight-or-flight response), and self-compassion activates the sympathetic response and calms it down,” explains Neff. “If you find a depressed person, they’re almost guaranteed to be very self-critical. A lot of anxiety is caused by constant self-criticism, and anxiety undermines our ability to perform if you’re totally activated.” An activated fight-or-flight response isn’t great for you physically and can contribute to health issues like high blood pressure.

So how can we best coach ourselves through a case of the “shoulds” like Barna Abel did?

Get to why you’re shoulding

Barna Abel says, situation permitting, her first step in quelling the inner “shoulds” is to check in with herself and ask what would it look like to let go of what she thinks she should do and actually start to do what she wants to do. “It’s just stopping and being honest with yourself about your resistance. A lot of times, what gets stuck in the ‘shoulds’ are things that we’re not good at. There are things you may have been putting off because they aren’t things you really want to do, or are things that you may find difficult,” Barna Abel says. Then, actually plot out your options. “Ask yourself: If I knew I couldn’t fail, success was assured, and money was no object, what would happen? This gets you to open up in terms of possibility and alternate solutions,” she adds.

Neff also recommends taking a beat to examine your motives. “A self-compassion break is like hitting the reset button on a computer,” she says. Acknowledge that you’re struggling in some way and validate your own feelings. “Whatever you’re feeling — be it shame or disappointment — voice the negativity and acknowledge the pain with mindfulness,” she says.

Remember our common humanity — and that humans make mistakes

“Compassion, in Latin, means to suffer with this inherently connected compassion,” says Neff. “Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is imperfect. Tell yourself there’s nothing wrong with me for having this issue. Tell yourself you’re not the only one.”

Give your words a positive spin

Swart suggests getting to the root of what drives your “shoulds” — and making the opposite thought your mantra. For example, swap “I should be famous/employed/rich by now!” for “I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in my life and will continue to work toward my goals.” For another way to redirect negative self-speak, Neff recommends asking yourself if you’d use the same language you use to chastise yourself and direct it at someone you really care about. If the two don’t match, write down what you’d say to your loved one and try saying it to yourself.

Show affection toward yourself

“Physical touch is one of the ways to change the nervous system — it actually helps you calm down and reduces cortisol,” says Neff, who adds that a simple self-soothing gesture, like putting your hands on your heart, is a surprisingly simple and effective way to help you calm down and feel kindness toward yourself.

In closing, Barna Abel says that redirecting her “should” self-talk freed her up to be even more productive. “Letting go of resentment is very personally empowering,” she says. “It really starts to switch the energy from ‘should’ to choice.” And who wouldn’t enjoy more choice?

Original article here

24 Jun 2022
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Are We in the End Times?

Welcome to Summer! Welcome to Winter! Completely depends on whether you’re in the Northern or Southern Hemispheres, doesn’t it? Still, happy Solstice to one and all.

The Summer Solstice occurred on the 21st of June, and next up on June 29th is a New Moon at 7 degrees of Cancer. We are almost fully immersed in the vibes of the Great Mother, as represented in the Cardinal Water sign of Cancer. Many things are contrasting with this energy of nurturing and providing, especially in the economic and financial sectors of the current world systems.

I was born during the sign of Cancer, and under a Full Moon. That Moon is in Capricorn, in the house of my chart that rules financial and emotionally security – which in ancient times revolved around food, livestock, the health of the crops, and the general bounty of the tribe and the surrounding environment. The upcoming New Moon still has Capricorn involved, with Pluto near the Anaretic Degree of Capricorn (29), so the vibe is there. Pluto in Capricorn, along with Uranus in Taurus are factors in the changes that are happening. Pluto in Cap asks “can you get along on less”? Uranus in Taurus says “be prepared for the unexpected, whether it is food or monetary security. We are being tested…in a manner of speaking. Maybe we’re testing ourselves.

Things are changing rapidly, and a pall of uncertainty is in the air. What will happen with inflation, monetary deflation, cryptocurrency deflation, the upward spiraling of the prices at the pump and the grocery store? Are there really shortages, or are the chains of the supply and demand being manipulated? Greed is fuelled by the belief in “not enough”, and I am sure there is some price gouging happening, which is totally rooted in the fear of not enough. However, I am also aware enough about the financial structures and the cycles of boom and bust to recognize that the dislocations we are currently experiencing are never accidental. To believe that is so is to believe that everything in your life, or Life in general, is just a series of random events that simply happen. When you spend some time studying patterns and the correlation of events, randomness becomes less reliable.

We are currently the only species on this planet in which everyone must “earn” their living. Do you even ever question that assumption? I do…a lot. Jobs were created when the Industrial Age started. Before that everyone had a trade or vocation. People specialized, whether they were the baker, butcher, or candlestick maker. Everyone was sort of an entrepreneur. Before that, we lived in cooperative communities in which everyone contributed to the mutual welfare and survival of all the members of the group. Concepts such as hoarding and “not enough” were unknown. Yes, there were tough times; when the hunting was poor, or there was a drought. But the fluctuations were part of the planetary ecosphere evolving, not because someone somewhere saw a way to make a quick buck speculating in the commodities market. We might well ask what changed to cause us to abandon the natural equilibrium we had with Nature and when and how did it change. Is what we see in front of us now really fair and working for you and me?

The times ahead, whatever might happen, will challenge our assumptions about the way the world actually works, versus how we were told it works. This is our final exam, in a manner of speaking, and will define in what direction we evolve to as a species. It should be obvious that the accumulation of great wealth at the top of this system that benefits the few at the expense of the many is not sustainable for a great many reasons. The destruction of the ecosphere for corporate profits and personal accumulation of assets is just one of those reasons.

During this window between the Solstice and the New Moon in Cancer may we remember our many blessings and be grateful. May we also remember that it might be a good time to check in with our intuition and see what we may need to do to prepare for times of economic uncertainty or dislocation. We don’t have to be doomsday preppers, but we can be more prepared. This will be important not just to guarantee our personal survival, but to be present for those who have less, and cannot provide for themselves for various reasons.

A new thought teacher by the name of Catherine Ponder once said, “abundance is having just enough to share.” When we share from our blessings, no matter how meager, we are sending out a message to the Universe. We have cast our “bread on the waters” which will return to us when we may be in need. As we give to others, we give to ourselves.

I entitled this post “are we in the end times” for good reason. I feel that is true, but not in the Biblical sense. It simply implies that the older orders of things is simply not working any longer, especially the dogma that creates and sustains it. Time to see that the ending of things does not imply the cessation of life, just the cessation of life as we have known it, or in a modern context, the way the world has been fashioned by a small minority who are motivated by greed, and have lost their connection to Source values. We are at choice now to be open to a new way of thinking, doing and being. We are at choice to begin a new time. May it be so, with grace and ease for all.

About the Author:

Isaac George is an internationally recognized intuitive mentor/coach, evolutionary astrologer, conscious channel, self-published author and musician. After a life-altering spontaneous kundalini awakening in 1994 he explored various healing modalities, including hypnotherapy and Reiki. In 1998 he began spontaneously channeling Archangel Ariel and other dimensional intelligences.

Originally from the United States, Isaac currently resides in the UK and offers Spiritual Mentoring sessions and programs and Evolutionary Astrology consultations.

13 Jun 2022
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How We Changed the World ~ ALLchemical Mastery

Alchemy has always seemed a somewhat mysterious ability to many people. The word itself evokes a level of power that, in the past, many have been frightened to step into.

I began my journey into alchemy back in the mid 1990’s when I read Serge Kahili King’s book ‘Urban Shaman’. It was an eye opener for me into a world of exciting possibility and global transformation. I would say the most important insight from this book was about becoming one with something (like a hurricane, a computer, the oceans, etc.) to elevate its purpose in this world.

So I dove into transformation with an incredible fervour … and not just people transformation, but global transformation as well.

I realised that the greatest relationship that I was seeking was to become the Universe, the Force, the Source (whatever we might like to call this incredible consciousness and energy that carries magic in its might and limitless creation at its core).

I let go of my identity. I surrendered my being to be remade over and over until I had evolved sufficiently to embrace myself as that universal force, innovating ways to live as that.

I discovered a power that I hadn’t known existed earlier in my life. A power that surged life, potential and possibility into play in ferocious and playful ways.

I made friends with that power, that force. I aligned myself with Life and for all things that would allow Life to thrive everywhere throughout the galaxies and upon this world.

I opened up brilliant new relationships with the consciousness and energy (the emerging entities if you will) of everything … organisations, countries, worlds, nature, the Earth, etc. And once I did that I discovered an open door to a world of wondrous alchemical creation that I had not known before.

Next I invited my consciousness buddies to join me in this exploration, with each one of them bringing something extraordinary into the co-creation. Together we became these Life Powers & Forces, we united as the Earth and the Universe, we surged possibilities into play everywhere our attention was drawn to play and create.

The callings came fast and furious through us all as we sourced a breakthrough in what I now love to call ALLchemical Creation.

ALLchemical creation is about tapping the new dream of us all, about becoming the Source and the Universe in Creation … then allowing ourselves in our collective, collaborative mastery to create breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough as Life surged through us to become whatever was next for it and for us all.

ALLchemy is collective and collaborative. It’s not just something you do as an individual expanding into greater connection and consciousness. It’s something we all are, all together embedded in a power source beyond our own, aligned with what Life wants to bring forth for all life to thrive now.

It is a pure, powerful, delightful thing to be a part of as you are moved by the desires and breakthroughs surging from Life through you. You create like never before in what I love to call collaborative genius fusion or kaleidoscopic creation, each one of us bringing something truly breath-taking to the ultimate outcome for all.

For me, ALLchemy is my future. It’s my ALL as I continue to surrender myself over and over again to whatever wonders it wants to create through me / us. It gifts me a life well lived and a joy for creation that has been a long time coming in this lifetime. But now IT is here ~ IT meaning that mysterious, wondrous, miraculous, power force of the Universe that chooses to entertain us as a home base for its miracles to occur.

I am honoured to have found my way into this magnificent art form that utilizes my whole beingness in this lifetime. When (and if) I leave this planet, I will do so completely fulfilled and wildly in love with Life, having lived in a way that I wish that everyone will discover in the coming days, months and years. For I am a collaborative ALLchemist and what a brilliant life that has given me and a miraculously unprecedented future for this world!

About the Author:

Soleira Green is a visionary author, quantum coach, ALLchemist & future innovator. She has been creating leading edge breakthroughs in consciousness, quantum evolution, transformation, innovation, intelligence and more over the past 25 years, has written and self-published eleven books, and taught courses all over the world on these topics.

08 Jun 2022
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Do These 5 Emotionally Intelligent Things Within 5 Minutes Of Meeting Someone

What’s the point of networking if not to get other people to like you? Sure, you need new contacts to see you as interesting, competent, professional, and potentially valuable to them—but if they don’t also find you likable, nobody will feel motivated to reach out later and work with you.

The reason why all comes down to emotional intelligence, the set of skills and qualities that allow people to form deeper, closer relationships with others. Likability is a key ingredient in that, and its career benefits are pretty obvious. For instance, being likable—and liking your coworkers in return—can increase your chances of getting promoted.

But when it comes to first impressions, you don’t always have much time to get people to like you. So here are a few straightforward things that the most emotionally intelligent people do to cement their likability from the get-go:

Show Genuine Enthusiasm For Meeting

Especially in business contexts, some people’s demeanors while making introductions are terse and serious. That might feel formal and “appropriate,” but it’s not always the most emotionally intelligent thing to do. Neither is laying it on thick with a forced grin and over-the-top proclamations about how absolutely wonderful it is to meet.

Just be natural. Pretend you’re meeting a sibling’s new significant other at a social occasion. Give your best, authentic smile. Open up your posture so your legs are at a wide stance but you’re relaxed. Make eye contact, offer a firm handshake. It’s that easy.

Offer A Compliment

If you notice something about the person you’ve just met that you can compliment them about, do it right away. Maybe there’s a recent accomplishment you’re aware of that you could mention. If not, ask a question or two that can lead to information you can later compliment them on.

Emotionally intelligent people are great listeners right from the moment they make acquaintances. They know that most people love to talk about themselves and will like and appreciate anybody who’ll earnestly listen. The problem is that most of the time—especially in the moment or two after meeting someone—we’re too busy thinking about our own responses and can’t wait for the next opportunity to jump in. This tendency is natural, and it sometimes gets worse when we’re nervous.

So treat the first five minutes after meeting somebody as a silent quiz session: Pretend you’re being tested to see how much you can find out about the new acquaintance—that when five minutes are up, you’ll have to write an essay about everything you’ve just learned, and the more information you include, the higher your score.

Ask At Least Two Open-Ended Questions

Conversations often die quickly or turn into monologues when they aren’t propelled forward by good questions. When someone starts talking about something they enjoy, use that as an opening to ask more: “How did you get into that?” “What do you like most about it?” Since it’s something they’re clearly dying to talk about it, don’t just ask yes/no or simple factual questions that might cut off their chance to really dig into it.

Aim for at least two open-ended questions within the first few minutes of striking up a chat with somebody you’ve just met. That should be enough to get a good, in-depth conversation going. On a subconscious level, you’ll quickly become somebody they remember liking and will want to be around.

Find Something You Share

Have you ever spoken with someone and found them distracted, glancing around the room or maybe fiddling with their phone while you were speaking? If you did, there’s a slim chance you came away really liking them afterward. In order to make someone feel like they’re getting your full attention, you obviously need to focus on them exclusively. But you also have to find an interest or belief you both share.

The most emotionally intelligent people know that it’s easiest to connect with people they’ve found something in common with. These commonalities might not always be obvious, though; you have to look for them. For example, there’s a really experienced runner who works out at my gym, and we often have a chance to chat. Since I personally have zero interest in running, there wouldn’t seem to be common ground for a meaningful conversation beyond, “Good to see you again, how’s your week going?” But since most people like food, I once asked him what he eats before a major long-distance run. It gave us something in common to talk about.

These conversational openings are really simple but not always obvious right away just after meeting someone. Pay attention to what makes somebody light up, become more animated, and sit up straight. These little cues are easy to catch early on in your conversation, and they can make for great opportunities to quickly find commonalities, passions, and ideas to talk about in those crucial few minutes while we’re forming first impressions.

Say Their Name Before You Leave, And Commit Key Facts To Memory

Everybody loves the sound of their own name. Say it when you first meet someone; then sprinkle it throughout the conversation whenever you get the chance. At a minimum, make sure to say their name when you’re about to leave: “Really great meeting you, Shareen.” “Thanks for chatting, Kyle, let’s be in touch.”

Finally, emotionally intelligent people reinforce the likability they’ve banked during first impressions by remembering a few key details later on. The names of a new acquaintance’s partner, kids, even the pets they have or that vacation recommendation they shared—that’s all useful information to refer back to the next time you see them. It’ll help you stand out in their memory, and make them look forward to connecting with you again—because for some reason or other, they find that they just like you.

Original article here

28 May 2022
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Remember Your First Time?

The first time I put up a one person show, I didn’t know what I was doing.

The first time I taught a workshop, I didn’t know what I was doing.

The first time I gave a sermon at the Church of the Pacific, I didn’t know what I was doing.

I learn by doing and hopefully, each time I get better.

I remember the evening I previewed LOVELAND, my one-person show at the Marsh Theater in San Francisco. The lead character, Frannie Potts, was incredibly challenging to perform.

Within 5 minutes of stepping on stage, I realized how limited my acting abilities were for Frannie. I couldn’t embody the emotional range required by the words I had written. I didn’t know what I was doing. Frannie sounded harsh and off putting, one note only. I could feel the audience recoil.

The next 75 minutes were excruciating. Minutes would go by of pin drop silence, a comedian’s worst nightmare. I couldn’t wait to get off stage.

Immediately following the performance, a former student came up to me and said,

Ann, it was so cool to see you fail. (This student was not known for her tact.)

She was right, I failed miserably and failing sucks, especially in front of a live audience. The next day, I had a two-hour rehearsal with my director, Joshua Townshend. The next night I failed again but not as bad as the first night. Improvement!

My friend and fellow solo performer, Heather Woodbury, has this great quote regarding her creative work.

“Over time, my suck level got less and less.”

This is what happened to me with LOVELAND. My suck level got less and less and a year later, LOVELAND won “Best Solo Show” in SF and LA.

As a storytelling teacher, I have shared this story with my students many times and I’m often requested to tell it again. I think people like hearing it because it gives them permission to suck, to make mistakes, and to grow from these so called “failures.” Ira Glass, host of This American Life, talks about this too in his video on being bad in the beginning.

Think about your own creative life. Where have you demanded perfection from yourself? Can you let yourself make mistakes? Can you acknowledge it’s all part of the creative process? We have a tendency to beat ourselves up when we “fail,” but what if instead, we gave ourselves immense credit for our willingness to put our work out into the world.

During Covid, I was unable to perform. I had to find a new way to express myself. I started making short videos and they were not very good in the beginning. I could feel the inner critic wanting to stop me at every turn, but I vowed to keep going. I knew from years of experience that the only way to beat the voice of the inner critic is to not give up and keep showing up for my art.

If you are feeling the voice of the inner critic to be overwhelming, I suggest letting it speak. Pick up the pen and ask the critic, “Why are you showing up today and what do you have to say to me?” This writing exercise is incredibly illuminating and can help you understand the relationship you have with this critic. On any creative journey, you will encounter this critic so it’s important to acknowledge it, but don’t let it stop you from achieving your goals. You can do it. You were born to create.

What helps me most when I make mistakes and “fail” is to know I’m not alone and to let myself receive support. We need each other to help us through these times.

Right now, I’m working on another one-person show, and as much as I’d like the development process to be perfect, it’s not. Writing first drafts is messy and trying out new material is always hit or miss. I have come to accept this as part of the creative process.

About the Author:

Ann Randolph is an award-winning writer and performer. Her current solo show, Inappropriate in All the Right Ways, has been described by The Huffington Post as “a show like no other.” Her show, Loveland, played for two years straight in San Francisco where it won the SF Weekly Award for Best Solo Show and garnered the SF Bay Critic’s Award for Best Original Script. Loveland also played to sold out audiences in LA and won the LA Weekly award for Best Solo Show.

Original article here

18 May 2022
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The Secret to a Meaningful Life is Simpler Than You Think

Some people seem to spend their whole lives dissatisfied, in search of a purpose. But philosopher Iddo Landau suggests that all of us have everything we need for a meaningful existence.

According to Landau, a philosophy professor at Haifa University in Israel and author of the 2017 book Finding Meaning in an Imperfect World, people are mistaken when they feel their lives are meaningless. The error is based on their failure to recognize what does matter, instead becoming overly focused on what they believe is missing from their existence. He writes in The Philosopher’s Magazine:

To my surprise, most of the people with whom I have talked about the meaning of life have told me that they did not think that their lives were meaningful enough. Many even presented their lives as outright meaningless. But I have often found the reasons my interlocutors gave for their views problematic. Many, I thought, did not pose relevant questions that might have changed their views, or take the actions that might have improved their condition. (Some of them, after our discussions, agreed with me.) Most of the people who complained about life’s meaninglessness even found it difficult to explain what they took the notion to mean.

In other words, Landau thinks that people who feel purposeless actually misunderstand what meaning is. He is among many thinkers over the ages who’ve wrestled with the difficult question, “What is a meaningful life?

The Question of Meaning

Philosophers’ answers to this question are numerous and varied, and practical to different degrees. The 19th-century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, for example, said the question itself was meaningless because in the midst of living, we’re in no position to discern whether our lives matter, and stepping outside of the process of existence to answer is impossible.

Those who do think meaning can be discerned, however, fall into four groups, according to Thaddeus Metz, writing in the Stanford Dictionary of Philosophy. Some are god-centered and believe only a deity can provide purpose. Others ascribe to a soul-centered view, thinking something of us must continue beyond our lives, an essence after physical existence, which gives life meaning. Then there are two camps of “naturalists” seeking meaning in a purely physical world as known by science, who fall into “subjectivist” and “objectivist” categories.

The two naturalist camps are split over whether the human mind makes meaning or these conditions are absolute and universal. Objectivists argue that there are absolute truths that have value, though they may not agree on what they are. For example, some say that creativity offers purpose, while others believe that virtue, or a moral life, confers meaning.

Subjectivists—Landau among them—think that those views are too narrow. If meaning happens through cognition, then it could come from any number of sources. “It seems to most in the field not only that creativity and morality are independent sources of meaning, but also that there are sources in addition to these two. For just a few examples, consider making an intellectual discovery, rearing children with love, playing music, and developing superior athletic ability,” Metz proposes.

For subjectivists, depending on who and where we are at any given point, the value of any given activity varies. Life is meaningful, they say, but its value is made by us in our minds, and subject to change over time. Landau argues that meaning is essentially a sense of worth which we may all derive in a different way—from relationships, creativity, accomplishment in a given field, or generosity, among other possibilities.

Reframing Your Mindset

For those who feel purposeless, Landau suggests a reframing is in order. He writes, “A meaningful life is one in which there is a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value, and a meaningless life is one in which there is not a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value.”

Basically, he’s saying meaning is like an equation—add or subtract value variables, and you get more or less meaning. So, say you feel purposeless because you’re not as accomplished in your profession as you dreamed of being. You could theoretically derive meaning from other endeavors, like relationships, volunteer work, travel, or creative activities, to name just a few. It may also be that the things you already do really are meaningful, and that you’re not valuing them sufficiently because you’re focused on a single factor for value.

He points to the example of existentialist psychologist Viktor Frankl, who survived imprisonment in Nazi concentration camps in World War II and went on to write a book, Man in Search of Meaning. Frankl’s purpose, his will to live despite imprisonment in the harshest conditions, came from his desire to write about the experience afterward. Frankl noted, too, that others who survived the camps had a specific purpose—they were determined to see their families after the war or to help other prisoners live, maintaining a sense of humanity.

Landau argues that anyone who believes life can be meaningless also assumes the importance of value. In other words, if you think life can be meaningless, then you believe that there is such a thing as value. You’re not neutral on the topic. As such, we can also increase or decrease the value of our lives with practice, effort, action, and thought. “I can ruin or build friendships, upgrade or downgrade my health, and practice or neglect my German. It would be surprising if in this particular sphere of value, the meaning of life, things were different from how they are in all the other spheres,” he writes.

For a life to be valuable, or meaningful, it needn’t be unique. Believing that specialness is tied to meaning is another mistake many people make, in Landau’s view. This misconception, he believes, “leads some people to unnecessarily see their lives as insufficiently meaningful and to miss ways of enhancing meaning in life.”

He notes too that things change all the time: We move, meet new people, have fresh experiences, encounter new ideas, and age. As we change, our values transform, and so does our sense of purpose, which we must continually work on.

You Are, Therefore You Matter

Some might protest that Landau’s being simplistic. Surely there must be more to existence than simply assigning a value to what we already have and thinking differently if we fail to recognize purpose in our lives.

In fact, there are even less complex approaches to meaningfulness. In Philosophy Now, Tim Bale, a professor of politics at Queen Mary University of London in the UK, provides an extremely simple answer: “The meaning of life is not being dead.”

While that may sound coy, many philosophers offer similar responses, although few as pithy. Philosopher Richard Taylor proposes that efforts and accomplishments aren’t what make life matter, writing in the 1970 book Good and Evil, “the day was sufficient to itself, and so was the life.” In other words, because we live, life matters.

It can be disconcerting, perhaps, to have such an easy answer. And detractors might argue that nothing can matter, given the immensity of the universe and the brevity of our lives. But this assumes our purpose is fixed, rigid and assigned externally, and not flexible or a product of the mind.

The Question is the Answer

There are other approaches, too. Casey Woodling, a professor of philosophy and religious studies at Coastal Carolina University in South Carolina, proposes in Philosophy Now that the question of meaningfulness itself offers an answer. “What makes a human life have meaning or significance is not the mere living of a life, but reflecting on the living of a life,” he writes.

Pursuing ends and goals—fitness, family, financial success, academic accomplishment—is all fine and good, yet that’s not really meaningful, in Woodling’s view. Reflecting on why we pursue those goals is significant, however. By taking a reflective perspective, significance itself accrues. “This comes close to Socrates’ famous saying that the unexamined life is not worth living,” Woodling writes, “I would venture to say that the unexamined life has no meaning.”

Mystery is Meaning

In the Eastern philosophical tradition, there’s yet another simple answer to the difficult question of life’s meaning—a response that can’t be articulated exactly, but is sensed through deep observation of nature. The sixth-century Chinese sage Lao Tzu—who is said to have dictated the Tao Te Ching before escaping civilization for solitude in the mountains—believed the universe supplies our value.

Like Woodling, he would argue that goals are insignificant, and that accomplishments are not what makes our lives matter. But unlike Woodling, he suggests meaning comes from being a product of the world itself. No effort is necessary.

Instead of reflection, Lao Tzu proposes a deep understanding of the essence of existence, which is mysterious. We, like rivers and trees, are part of “the way,” which is made of everything and makes everything and cannot ever truly be known or spoken of. From this perspective, life isn’t comprehensible, but it is inherently meaningful—whatever position we occupy in society, however little or much we may do.

Life matters because we exist within and among living things, as part of an enduring and incomprehensible chain of existence. Sometimes life is brutal, he writes, but meaning is derived from perseverance. The Tao says, “One who persists is a person of purpose.”

Original post here

13 Apr 2022
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45 Mind-Boggling Facts About Dreams

Whether you remember it or not, you dream every night. Sometimes they’re happy, other times sad, often bizarre, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a sexy dream once in a while.

They’re a normal part of sleep — something we spend one-third of our life doing. While experts are still divided on what our dreams mean, research has given us some very eye-opening information about dreams.

Here are 45 surprising facts about dreams, ranging from interesting to the stuff of nightmares.

How We Dream

REM is the sweet spot

Our most vivid dreams happen during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, which happens in short episodes throughout the night about 90 to 120 minutes apart.

Morning is better

Longer dreams occur in the morning hours.

Weekends help you remember

You’re more likely to remember your dreams on weekends or days when you sleep in, because each episode of REM sleep is longer than the last.

Your muscles are paralyzed

Most of your muscles become paralyzed during REM sleep to prevent you from acting out your dreams.

Pictures are most common

We dream mostly in pictures, with the majority of dreams being mainly visual with little sound or movement.

Recurring dreams have themes

Recurring dreams in children are mostly about:

confrontations with animals or monsters
physical aggressions
falling
being chased

We don’t all dream in color

Around 12 percent of people dream in black and white.

What We Dream

Strange is normal

Many of our dreams are strange because the part of the brain responsible for making sense of things shuts down during dreaming.

Our day informs our dreams

Most of our dreams are linked to thoughts or events from the previous day or two.

Faces are familiar

You likely only dream about faces you’ve already seen in person or on TV, according to Stanford University.

Low stress means happy dreams

You’re more likely to have pleasant dreams if you’re experiencing low stress and feel satisfied in your real life.

Sex Dreams

Not everything is what it seems

Morning wood has nothing to do with sexy dreams or stimulation. Nocturnal penile tumescence causes men to have three to five erections every night, some lasting 30 minutes.

Women can have wet dreams

Men aren’t the only ones who have wet dreams. Women can release vaginal secretions from arousal and even orgasm when having a sexual dream.

Sex dreams aren’t that common

Approximately 4 percent of men and women’s dreams are about sex, according to research.

Sex dreams are usually about one thing

Most sex-related dreams are about intercourse.

Sleep position matters

You’re more likely to dream about sex if you sleep face-down.

This might also make you dream about other things

Sleeping face-down isn’t just associated with more sex dreams, but also dreams about:

being locked up
hand tools
being naked
being smothered and unable to breathe
swimming

Men dream about variety

Men dream of sex with multiple partners two times more than women.

Women dream about celebrities

Women are twice as likely to have sex dreams about public figures compared to men.

Sleep sex is real

Sleep sex, also called sexsomnia, is a sleep disorder much like sleep walking, except instead of walking, a person engages in sexual behavior like masturbation or intercourse while asleep.

Nightmares And Other Scary Stuff

Kids have more nightmares

Nightmares usually begin between the ages of 3 and 6, and decrease after the age of 10.

Women are more prone to scary dreams

Women have more nightmares than men during their teen and adult years.

Nightmares occur at a similar time at night

Nightmares occur most frequently in the last third of the night.

You could have a condition

If you have recurring nightmares that happen often enough and are distressing enough to impact your ability to function, you may have a condition called nightmare disorder.

Sleep paralysis is a thing

Around 8 percent of the general population experiences sleep paralysis, which is the inability to move when you’re in a state between sleep and wake.

Your feelings come out in dreams

For example, you’re more likely to experience negative dreams about a lost loved one if you’re suffering from post-traumatic symptoms, guilt, or blame over their death.

The holidays can be rough

Grief dreams, which are dreams about deceased loved ones, are more common during the holidays.

Night terrors can be frightening

Night terrors are episodes of intense fear, screaming, and even running around or acting aggressive while asleep.

Children have them more frequently

Almost 40 percent of children have night terrors, though most outgrow them by their teens.

Adults can still have them

Around 3 percent of adults have night terrors.

Eating late isn’t helpful

Eating before bed makes nightmares more likely, because it increases your metabolism, signaling your brain to be more active.

Medications play a role

Certain medications, such as antidepressants and narcotics, increase the frequency of nightmares.

Negative emotions take a toll

Confusion, disgust, sadness, and guilt are more often the driving force behind nightmares than fear, according to research.

Random Cool Facts

We all see things

Blind people see images in their dreams.

Fido dreams, too

Everyone dreams, including pets.

We are forgetful

People forget 95 to 99 percent of their dreams.

We dream a lot

People over the age of 10 have at least four to six dreams every night.

We may be prophetic

Some believe dreams can predict the future, though there isn’t enough evidence to prove it.

We dwell on the negative

Negative dreams are more common than positive ones.

You may be able to control your dreams

You may be able to learn to control your dreams by using techniques for lucid dreaming.

Sleep talking usually isn’t nice

Swearing is a common occurrence in sleep talking, according to a 2017 study.

Sudden muscle spasms aren’t your imagination

Hypnic jerks are strong, sudden jolts, or the feeling of falling that occurs just as you’re falling asleep.

This may cause falling sensations

Hypnic jerks may be the cause of dreams about falling, which is one of the most common dream themes.

Tooth dreams could have a bigger meaning

Dreams about your teeth falling out may be caused by undiagnosed dental irritation, like bruxism, rather than a premonition of death like old folklore suggests.

By far the most mind-boggling fact of all

Though they’ve been trying to figure it out since the beginning of time, researchers don’t know why we dream or what purpose it serves, if any.

The Psychology Of Dreams

Everyone, at one time or another, has wondered what their dreams mean.

Dreaming is the most extensively studied cognitive state. While some experts believe that dreams have no meaning and serve no function, others believe that our dreams do mean something.

A number of theories exist on what dreams mean, some of the more recognized theories include:

Psychoanalytic theory.In this theory, dreams are believed to represent unconscious desires, wish fulfillment, and personal conflicts. Dreams give us a way to act out unconscious desires in the safety of an unreal setting, because acting them out in reality would be unacceptable.
Activation-synthesis theory.Popularized in the 1970s, this theory suggests that dreams are just a byproduct of your brain trying to process random signals from your limbic system, which is involved in your memories, emotions, and sensations.
Continual activation theory.This is the idea that our brains are continuously storing memories, even when we’re asleep. It suggests our dreams provide a place to hold our memories while they make the transition from our short-term memory to our long-term memory.

These barely begin to scratch the surface of dream interpretation theories. Here are some other interesting theories on the meaning of dreams:

Dreams are threat simulations that help prepare you when faced with threats in real life.
Dreams are your brain’s way of collecting and clearing out useless information from the day to make room for new information the next day.
Dreaming goes back to an evolutionary defense mechanism of playing dead to fool enemies. This explains why our bodies are paralyzed while dreaming, but our minds remain highly active.

The Bottom Line

Experts may not have any concrete answers as to why we dream and what function dreams serve.

What we do know is that everyone dreams, and even our really strange dreams are perfectly normal.

About the Author:

Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade.

Original article here

06 Apr 2022
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Invisible Legacy

I am the mother of twins, a lovely daughter and a sweet son. They will be 19 years old in August. They are starting to live independent lives, one is going to university and the other one is already working.

Of course, I am proud of them. However, as a mother my heart aches a bit when I think that the outside world can be hard at times. Like every mother, I would love for them to avoid suffering and struggles, but of course this is not possible. Struggles and problems are part of life, of this physical field, and we need to find ways to navigate them the best we can.

When growing up, I remember being very emotional every time I encountered a bump in the road. Problems always seem to be huge and with no solution at all, in my teenage mind, everything was terrible and sad. Naturally, this is part of that phase of life, but I wish someone would have let me know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, especially when I was in the middle of the emotional storm.

Do not get me wrong, my parents were very supportive, however in those years it was not common to provide children with tools to deal with the process of growing up. Basically, you were expected to put up with whatever and that was that.

Nowadays, we have many resources to go to, life is more complex, I guess, and young people are more exposed to global conditions than when I was growing up, where the word “local” was prevalent.

My spiritual path has allowed me to share with my kids those internal powers we all have, and I have made sure to repeat myself many times over. Of course, on several occasions I get those teenage looks and eyes rolling, but I know that one day, they will remember my words and tools and apply them.

I want to share with you a few of these techniques and words:

I frequently say that everything is transitory and it will pass. Life moves on, even if it doesn’t look like it.
Elevate your vibration! Dwelling on emotions that are not beneficial for us does not help. Acknowledge those emotions and then change your attention to finding solutions. A good way to elevate your vibration is to go out in nature, close your eyes, feel and listen to the sounds of nature. Your mind will clear.
Connect with your heart and speak from there. Talking to others in an angry manner makes the problem deeper.
Practice gratitude. This not only means to be grateful for the good things in our lives; I am actually referring to being grateful for the good and the bad of our existence in this world, because everything allows us to grow and expand.
Just a short daily meditation produces a ripple effect of goodness in you and in the way you vibrate.

There are many paths we can show to our kids and loved ones. However, the most important aspect of this is for us to be able to stay open to communicate with them, to create a loving environment where they can go anytime, without judgment, willing to listen and hugging tightly.

In a profound and invisible way, this is the “legacy” I am leaving to them. One day I will not be in this world anymore, any material goods will have no importance at all, but my children will remember my words, the meditations I taught them, the pineal gland exercises I showed them, the times I share with them, listening to their tribulations and happy moments, the many occasions we hugged, laughed and told each other, “I love you”.

This is why I keep repeating myself, because repetition creates habits and good habits create easiness in life. But most importantly, they will understand that LOVE is always the answer…

About the Author:

Veronica Sanchez De Darivas is Chilean-Australian, now living in the UK and a proud mother of teenage twins. A spiritual awakening teacher, bestselling author, pineal gland (third eye) activator and Certified Instructor for the Cyclopea Method, Veronica is currently the only instructor in the world teaching the Cyclopea Method in English.

28 Mar 2022
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How To Forgive Someone Who Isn’t Sorry

Forgiveness is often viewed as the “happily ever after” ending in a story of wrongdoing or injustice. Someone enacts harm, the typical arc goes, but eventually sees the error of their ways and offers a heartfelt apology. “Can you ever forgive me?” Then you, the hurt person, are faced with a choice: Show them mercy — granting yourself peace in the process — or hold a grudge forever. The choice is yours, and it’s one many of us assume starts with remorse and a plea for grace.

It’s reasonable to expect an apology when you’re the one who has been hurt or betrayed. But that’s not how it works in practice. In fact, therapist Harriet Lerner writes in her book Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts the worse the offense, the more difficult it can be to get an apology from the person who harmed you. In those instances, Lerner writes, “Their shame leads to denial and self-deception that overrides their ability to orient toward reality.” And beyond this, there are other reasons you might be unable to get the apology you deserve. Maybe the other person isn’t aware of the harm they did to you, or they’ve disappeared, making contact impossible, or they’ve died.

Unfortunately, that puts you in a tough spot. How do you forgive someone who isn’t all that sorry, or who you can’t actually engage with?

To answer this question, we spoke to two experts: Robert Enright, a professor of education psychology at the University of Wisconsin Madison and a leader in the scientific study of forgiveness, and Laura Davis, the author of several books about estrangement and reconciliation, including The Burning Light of Two Stars: A Mother-Daughter Story. Both have worked extensively with people who have experienced serious personal injustice, including survivors of child sexual abuse and gender-based violence. Enright and Davis say that forgiving someone who is unrepentant is absolutely possible; here’s how to approach it.

Expand your view of what forgiveness is

In some ways, it’s easier to define forgiveness by what it isn’t. “Forgiveness is not excusing what the other did; that behavior was wrong, is wrong, and will always be wrong,” Enright says.

Both Enright and Davis say that forgiveness exists separately from reconciliation, and also from accountability — which is why forgiving someone doesn’t require an apology or even their participation. “Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy between two or more people trying to make their way back together to mutual trust,” explains Enright, whereas forgiveness is a one-way endeavor. Put another way: Forgiveness might be a step on the path to reconciliation, but you don’t have to traverse the full route if you’d prefer not to.

Enright also points out that while forgiveness is separate from accountability, it’s not at odds with seeking justice. “Many people think it’s either/or, rather than both,” he says. Forgiving someone can help you take a more clear-eyed approach to justice because you’re no longer, as he put it, “seething with rage.”

Perhaps most importantly, forgiveness doesn’t require you to pretend the hurt didn’t happen, to forgive and forget, or to ever speak to the person again. “When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you have to have any kind of ongoing relationship with them,” Davis says. “It’s an internal shift, where you’re no longer carrying the wound in the same way.”

Enright defines forgiveness as a moral virtue. Moral virtues (like kindness, honesty, and patience) are typically focused on how they benefit others; these are things you do primarily for another person’s sake, regardless of whether or not they have “earned” it.

“Forgiveness is a special kind of moral virtue that always and without exception occurs when the other person has been unfair to you,” Enright says. “When that person is unfair to you and you willingly choose to forgive — it’s not forced upon you — you are basically good to the one who was not good to you. You’re deliberately trying to get rid of the resentment and offer goodness of some kind: respect, kindness, anything that is good for the other person.”

Think of forgiveness as something you’re doing primarily for yourself

Because forgiveness is defined as offering goodness to another person, it can be hard, mentally, to want to get there — after all, you were the one who was wronged, so why do you have to now give them something? But it can be helpful to consider that you don’t have to literally give them anything, or even tell them you forgive them. Forgiveness doesn’t have to exist anywhere outside of you.

“Forgiveness is what we call a paradox,” Enright says. “It appears to be a contradiction but is not. It looks like you as the forgiver are doing all of the giving, and the other is doing all of the getting.” That mindset, he says, overlooks all of the benefits that you as the forgiver will likely experience. According to Enright’s research (which includes several meta-analyses of other forgiveness studies), people who have gone through the process of forgiving someone experience “characteristically, a reduction in the clinical variables of anger, anxiety, and depression, and increase in self-esteem and hope for the future.”

“Forgiveness is my safety valve against the kind of toxic anger that could kill me,” Enright says. “Waiting for the apology is to misunderstand your free will, and it’s to misunderstand the medicine that is forgiveness, that you should be able to take freely, whatever you want.”

Once you remove reconciliation as a goal, it’s easier to see how forgiveness will benefit you as much as — if not more than — the other person, giving you an opportunity to fully cut your mental connection to them. “Forgiveness begins to help you sever that connection so that you can be free,” Davis says. “I think it’s essential for people to eventually let go of their anger, their rage, their hurt, so that they can move on in their own lives.”

Don’t let fear of “losing” stand in the way of forgiving someone

Being willing to let go of the anger and hurt can be one of the hardest aspects of forgiving someone, especially someone who isn’t sorry or who hasn’t apologized. In these instances, it can sometimes feel like your wound is all you have: It serves as proof that an awful thing happened to you and really was as terrible as it felt. Forgiving someone, then, can feel like you’re capitulating — like you’re acquiescing to their view of events, when you know in your heart they did something wrong.

Enright says it’s reasonable to want to tend to your anger when someone has hurt you. “You can hang on to anger for a short time because it shows you’re a person of worth and dignity, and no one should treat you this way,” he says. “But then my question would be, if you hang on to that anger, what is it doing to you? Yes, it will empower you for a while. But characteristically over time, it brings us down with fatigue, rumination, becoming far more pessimistic in life.”

There’s real work involved in forgiving, and it takes time

Enright has studied forgiveness extensively. He says his research group at the University of Wisconsin Madison was the first to publish a scientific study on forgiveness, in 1989; in 1993, they became the first to publish a scientific study of forgiveness therapy. Their research has led to the development of a step-by-step process for forgiveness, which can happen in therapy (ideally with someone who is trained in forgiveness therapy), or through a self-guided process using his workbook.

He says that forgiving someone via this process happens in four major phases.

1) The uncovering phase. The person who has been treated unfairly focuses on the effects of the injustice in their life. These effects might be things like monetary costs, lost time, ongoing anxiety, depression, anger, sleep problems, or a more pessimistic worldview. In a lot of instances, Enright says, people don’t even realize how much the injustice is still impacting their life.

In this stage, you’re also asked to think about what solutions you’ve already tried for these problems and the extent to which they’ve led to meaningful improvements or change. “We say, ‘If nothing satisfying has worked, how about trying forgiveness?’” Enright says.

2) The decision phase. This is where you’ll determine whether you want to try to forgive the person who hurt you. And the answer might be no! Maybe it’s too soon and the pain is too fresh, or you just know you’re not ready to let go of the anger. That’s okay; this is a process you can always return to, and, eventually, you might find that you want to forgive.

It’s also important to be sure you’re attempting to forgive because you want to, not because you’re being pressured into it by, say, friends or family who are tired of having to navigate the fallout and just want everyone involved to move on. “We have to be drawn to the idea of forgiveness ourselves, and never be coerced into it,” Enright says.

If you decide you want to work toward forgiveness, Enright says the next step is a homework assignment: Try to do no harm to the person who wronged you. You don’t have to feel positively about them, but you should try your best not to disparage them, and don’t seek revenge. If even that feels impossible, you might not be ready to forgive them yet.

3) The work phase. At this point, you’ll aim to broaden your narrative about the other person and develop empathy for them. So you might think about how they were raised, what difficult things happened in their life that led them to this point, and the ways in which that person is vulnerable. “You widen the story,” Enright says. “As you start telling that story to yourself, over and over, we see a little bit of empathy, a little tiny bit of compassion, a little bit of softening of the heart. That takes time, and definitely can’t be engineered through therapy; it has to emerge.”

The next part of the work phase, Enright says, is “standing in the pain.” He says one way to do this is to think of your pain on a scale of 1–10, and to visualize that amount of pain in a heavy sack that you are holding on your back. “Acknowledge that it’s there, be aware of it, and stay with it,” Enright says. “Don’t try to run away from it. Don’t try to take anything out of it. Just let it be. What we find is, when people do that, that sack tends to shrink. As I deliberately say yes to the pain and stand in it, the pain begins to lessen.” He says that this part of the process can also help you rebuild self-esteem because it’s a reminder of what you’re capable of.

4) The discovery phase. This is when you’ll reflect on the meaning you’ve found in your life from this experience. “What we tend to find a lot of times is people become much more attuned to the wounds within other people,” Enright says. You may realize that you’ve become more patient with strangers, or less judgmental of coworkers or friends, because you have a newfound understanding of how they might also be struggling.

Going through this might also have made you feel more connected to other people, as you realize you’re not alone in the injustice you suffered. Or it may have given you a sense of purpose by inspiring you to help others who might have experienced something similar, or who are at risk of being wronged in the same way you were.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re struggling to forgive someone

Being ready to forgive someone who hurt you takes time, as does the work of forgiving them. It’s impossible to know when — or if — you’ll ever be ready. If now doesn’t seem to be the time, that’s okay. “We’re in relationships with many people over the course of a whole lifetime,” Davis says. “Things can shift in surprising and sometimes dramatic ways just with the passage of time.” Many of the people she’s interviewed have spoken about their feelings changing when they entered a different life stage; for example, a person who isn’t ready to forgive a parent might start to see the situation differently after they have kids of their own. (It can also have the opposite effect, making them feel even more hurt by their parent’s behavior.)

“These things evolve over a lifetime,” she says. “If you had told me when I was in my late 20s and deeply estranged from my mother that I would end up taking care of her at the end of her life, I would have looked at you like you were completely crazy. Yet that’s what I chose and wanted to do.”

“I think that forgiveness is something that comes at the end of a long process of healing,” Davis says. “In my personal experience, it was a gift. I didn’t see it as the end goal of resolving an injury. I did my own work, and naturally, feelings of forgiveness arose.”

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