If you’re anything like me, the think-pieces you’ve read on how to spot red flags or deal with a friend’s trauma dumping will have become imprinted on your brain. However, it’s also true that sometimes we need to look at the relationship we have with ourselves before analysing the relationships we have with others.
“Being in a toxic relationship comes from the belief you hold about yourself; you deserve love and respect from yourself,” writes psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani in an Instagram post on the subject. “It can go beyond just engaging in constant negative self-talk. It can also mean you ignore your health and personal wellness and blame yourself for everything.”
You frequently talk down to yourself and criticise things you do
Negative self-talk is something a lot of people struggle with, and your inner critic can feel incredibly difficult to silence.
“If you find yourself saying something to yourself you wouldn’t say to a friend or even a stranger, that’s something to be aware of,” suggests Dr Suglani. “You have to catch yourself because it starts to feel so normal you don’t even realise you’re doing it.”
You ignore your own boundaries
If the rise of therapy-speak has taught us anything, it’s the importance of boundaries. Without boundaries, we can feel depleted, taken advantage of, taken for granted or intruded upon.
But if we’re not respecting our own limitations, how can we expect others to do the same?
Whether it’s prioritising rest, allowing yourself to say no or tapping in to your internal monologue to figure out how you really feel, it’s crucial to maintain mental wellbeing.
You struggle with self-care and putting your needs first
Let’s be real: self-care is never as easy as Instagram makes it look. Baths, face masks and candles all have their place, but rarely have a lasting impact.
Instead of relying on sporadic gestures, you could try ‘everyday mental maintenance’ – a technique that takes a proactive, bite-sized approach to looking after your mental health.
It involves setting aside dedicated time to look after yourself, whether it’s a few hours on a Sunday evening to prep meals or a regular exercise class that makes you feel buoyant once you’ve completed it. Taking a few moments to focus on what makes you feel calm, centred and ready to tackle what lies ahead is always a good use of time.
You engage in unhealthy coping strategies
Nobody’s perfect, and we all have less-than-desirable traits and behaviours that we’d rather not see the light of day, even if they do slip out from time to time.
But we owe it to ourselves to do what’s best for both our minds and bodies, in whatever way we can. Holding yourself accountable and committing to a positive action or change is key.
However, if you’re concerned about the way you respond to stress or trauma, it’s advisable to seek professional advice and help from a therapist, counsellor or doctor.
You thrive on drama and chaos
Living life to the wire, with no plan, direction or headspace might feel exciting and vibrant, but there’s something to be said for choosing peace, calm and tranquillity.
You don’t have to give up beloved nights out or start practising daily meditation, but a huge part of protecting your energy and maintaining your boundaries involves stepping away from anything that drains you.
Instead, learn to prioritise the things, people and situations that give you energy rather than take it away from you.
You can be really hard on yourself and feel like nothing you do is good enough
There’s a reason why imposter syndrome has become a mental health buzzword over the past few years. More of us are suffering from it than ever, and it can easily lead us into a spiral of negative thoughts and self-punishment.
If you feel disconnected from yourself, or emotionally burnt out, who can blame you? There’s so much going on in the world that is difficult and painful for us to process.
Overcoming these feelings starts with recognition and acceptance. Remind yourself: “I’m not perfect; I’m a human being and I have my own vulnerability,” while leading from a place of self-compassion.
How to change your relationship with yourself
If you’ve identified with any or all of the above, don’t panic. According to Dr Suglani, the steps below can help you to begin to improve your relationship with yourself.
- Don’t dwell too much on the past, even if repairing the relationship will likely involve addressing past events
- View yourself with compassion. Think: “Would I say this to a friend?”
- Start therapy
- Journal your thoughts to start becoming aware of what/how you think
- Practise healthy communication with the people around you
- Hold yourself accountable
- Be patient with yourself
- Hold space for yourself to change. Healing is a journey
Original article here




Of course, this is ridiculous. You cannot easily force yourself to forget something or someone. In fact, the more you try, the harder it becomes. But you can stop yourself from reliving those memories. This is what lies at the heart of this week’s question. When something bad happens to you — something traumatic, even — how far should we try to move on and how far should we try to unpack our past? I do not have a psychology degree, and I am not a psychotherapist, so I will approach this from a philosophical point of view and ask: How important is our past to our future? Should Kant try to forget Lampe or carry his memory as part of him? Should Dee let go of the past or dig it up and face it down?





We should probably pin down what we mean by loneliness, as opposed to solitude, aloneness, social isolation, disconnectedness etc. For Henry Rollins, the former Black Flag frontman turned writer, it’s something that “adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” I’m going to file that under Poetic Nonsense. The Campaign to End Loneliness (CEL), more usefully, defines it as “a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. It happens when there is a mismatch between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that we have, and those that we want.”
Not only do animals provide us with unconditional love and support; they also help to give structure to our days and even encourage us to get out and connect with others. Interaction with pets is also shown to help reduce stress levels.
It was about three years ago, as I recall, that a fellow called into my radio/TV program to suggest that a great way to slow aging and normalize weight was an intermittent fasting program called the 5:2 diet.
Through a process called autophagy, such zombie (senescent) cells are broken down, and their raw materials recycled for use by new and functional cells. It’s like a major housecleaning of the body, resulting in greater metabolic efficiency and less of a burden on the body’s systems.







What rules are meaningful and valuable; which ones perpetuate inequality? At what point do we substitute deference to authority with our own autonomous consideration—and what might emerge if we were to choose our own distinct path? To hone our capacity for independent judgment, political scientist James Scott urges a daily practice of “anarchist calisthenics,” a form of small-scale rebellious action that cuts against the grain of authority; he envisions minor acts of law-breaking, in cases where this would not endanger others or undermine social well-being. Hierarchies that bring with them pogroms and violence, oppression and exploitation, are not easily overturned: such recognition of the stability of unjust systems requires him to “confront the paradox of the contribution of law-breaking and disruption to democratic political change”; law-breaking is needed to break the stranglehold of unjust rule. In Scott’s assessment, “Most of the great political reforms of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries”—among which he describes those for racial equality and civil rights—“have been accompanied by massive episodes of civil disobedience, riot, law-breaking, the disruption of public order, and, at the limit, civil war.” But, in societies defined by hierarchy, how do we develop the skills for anything else? Scott advises carefully chosen confrontations with imposed laws to assert and practise independence and autonomy without inflicting harm upon others.
Mostly, the work of non-human entities—animal, plant, fungus, mineral, element—remains illegible to us. This is not for lack of effort: ecologists and physiologists and statisticians map territories and count offspring and track mates, overlay mealtimes and prey densities, measure brain activity and body fat and stomach enzymes. The result is ordered groups and categories of activity, confidently enumerated and named and labelled in terms of productivity. Least flycatchers engaged in aerial acrobatics to snag insects on the wing is sustenance, from this perspective, not entertainment. Wilson’s warblers hopping in the shrub birch branches, munching on little green inchworms, are engaged in functional foraging and not gustatory pleasure. The spruce grouse my black lab flushes from the woods is fleeing for survival, not searching for solitude and hermetic peace. But are we really seeing these lives in their entirety? The porcupine trundling along the trail; the lynx with its unhurried paces along the road; the moose, when not browsing willow, not surveying for wolves, just standing in the brush looking out at the mountains?