A friend overstepping, a family member oversharing or a work colleague who you’re fed up with talking to you like crap. It may feel like these are just the occasional, yet inevitable, less-than-ideal parts of life, but really there’s an answer to minimising them all: better boundaries.
We all have boundaries, but many of us struggle to express them, particularly in tense situations where we want to avoid conflict as much as possible. However, it’s true that, like a muscle, the more you practice setting boundaries, the stronger you feel doing so.
Why are boundaries so important?
In an Instagram post, Nawal Mustafa, aka The Brain Coach, set out the importance of clear, firm and supportive boundaries in every aspect of our lives. “Boundaries are a way for us to honour our needs, set realistic expectations, and teach others how to treat us,” she explains. “They are a form of self-care and self-love that allow us to protect our energy and psychological health.”
Physical boundaries
Mustafa explains that this includes who is allowed in your personal space, who can touch you and how close someone can get to you, as well as what you choose to put into your body. Subtle violations of this boundary might look like pressure to drink alcohol when you’ve said you don’t want to (“Go one, one won’t hurt”) to unsolicited comments on your appearance (“You’ve lost weight since I last saw you!”).
Even in situations where these breaches are more annoying than damaging, remember that you are always within your right to ask someone to stop.
Emotional boundaries
Some of the hardest to maintain, emotional boundaries can look like not taking on other people’s emotional burdens (aka trauma dumping) and not engaging in triggering topics.
Especially in close relationships like with family and friends, it can be awkward and difficult to express your need for some distance. Mustafa suggests helpful phrases like “I want to support you but I have too much on my plate right now” and “I don’t have the emotional capacity to talk about politics” as ways you can kindly but firmly reclaim your emotional space.
Communication boundaries
These can often be most apparent in the workplace, where you may have to raise issues with how someone is speaking to you, as well as what you yourself can and cannot say. However, they also come into play in other areas of our lives, such as wanting to maintain privacy.
Being clear on what you deem acceptable is the best route to success, Mustafa indicates. If you’re not ready to talk about something, dislike the tone you’re being spoken to in or feel demeaned by name-calling or being dismissed, be explicit about your barriers.
While you can’t guarantee they will react in kind, you’ll know that you’ve done everything you can to protect your wellbeing.
Financial boundaries
Money has long been taboo, particularly with family and friends, but amid a cost of living crisis and rising inflation, now is also the time when we’re feeling the most stretched and need to put limits in place.
Whether you’ve been invited somewhere that’s too expensive, need to ask a friend to pay you back or want to politely decline loaning someone money, try not to let any feelings of guilt or embarrassment overpower you.
The reality is that every person has different spending priorities, salaries and financial boundaries, so it’s time we all stopped being so awkward about communicating them.
Mental boundaries
We often forget how important it is to set boundaries with ourselves, too. Instead of a punishment or indication that we’ve done something wrong, it helps to see personal boundaries as practice in self-trust and confidence.
Mustafa shares that important mental boundaries include allowing ourselves to have personal thoughts, beliefs and opinions that differ from others, and being OK with others not agreeing with us.
If you have people-pleasing tendencies, these may be hard to maintain, but the mantra: “It’s OK if you don’t agree with me” is a good one to keep in mind.
Time boundaries
If you’re the kind of person that gets sucked in helping out a friend before realising you’ve no time left to work on yourself, take note. Mustafa explains that we should also monitor how much time we choose to spend with others, as well as how others should respect our time.
A family member that’s always late? Tell them. A friend that will call and call and call until you pick up? Let them know that you can chat, but only for 15 minutes.
The same goes for rejecting invitations. Don’t feel pressured to spend your time somewhere you don’t want or need to be.
Energy boundaries
Similarly, continually putting the wants and needs of others before our own can be seriously draining, leading us to emotional exhaustion.
While “protect your energy” might sound like just another therapy slogan, it’s actually a valuable lesson in how the people you surround yourself with can impact your mood.
If a family member, friend or colleague is going beyond needy and veering into enmeshed relationship territory, it may be time to set some firmer boundaries.
Relationship boundaries
Encompassing all of the previous elements, relationship boundaries relate to how people can treat us, how they behave around us and what they can expect from us.
“Boundaries can be applied in many different aspects of life, such as our time, our emotions, our physical space, and our mental energy,” adds Mustafa.
“Setting boundaries is not easy to do, especially if you have lived most of your life in an environment where we don’t see other people setting or respecting boundaries. It may feel very uncomfortable at first, but with time, it will get easier and you will feel more confident and at peace.”
Original article here
Today is the Ides of March. You know that saying, “Beware the Ides of March,” coined by the Bard himself, William Shakespeare, in his play, Julius Caesar. I am sure you will hear it at least once today recited by someone.
