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24 Nov 2015
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Claiming Your Voice: A Reflection on Alice Walker’s Poetry

Claiming your own voice can be a life-long process, especially because our voices change over time. I find this poem to be an excellent guidepost along the way.

On Stripping Bark from Myself

(for Jane, who said trees die from it)

Because women are expected to keep silent about
their close escapes I will not keep silent
and if I am destroyed (naked tree!) someone will
please
mark the spot
where I fall and know I could not live
silent in my own lies
hearing their ‘how nice she is!’
whose adoration of the retouched image
I so despise.

No. I am finished with living
for what my mother believes
for what my brother and father defend
for what my lover elevates
for what my sister, blushing, denies or rushes
to embrace.

I find my own
small person
a standing self
against the world
an equality of wills
I finally understand.

Besides:

My struggle was always against
an inner darkness: I carry within myself
the only known keys
to my death – to unlock life, or close it shut
forever. A woman who loves wood grains, the color
yellow
and the sun, I am happy to fight
all outside murderers
as I see I must.”
-Alice Walker, from Her Blue Body Everything We Know: Earthling Poems 1965-1990 Complete

First a few words about Alice Walker: She was born in Eatonton, Georgia, and lives in Northern California. Well known for writing The Color Purple among other novels, nonfiction essays, and children’s books, and winning the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction and the National Book Award, she is also a human (and all living beings) rights activist. Walker has written on such diverse and difficult topics as female genital mutilation, slavery, and divorce, all while showing a zest and lust for life and its beauty. Her site tells us that after a trip to Gaza she said,

“… we belong to the same world: the world where grief is not only acknowledged, but shared; where we see injustice and call it by its name; where we see suffering and know the one who stands and sees is also harmed, but not nearly so much as the one who stands and sees and says and does nothing.”
“On Stripping Bark from Myself

(for Jane, who said trees die from it)

Because women are expected to keep silent about
their close escapes”

The title is really the beginning of the conversation; the statement, that this poem is. Alice Walker is talking about close escapes, stripping off her bark, and not keeping silent: about becoming a more honest version of herself. If this does kill her, she says,

“someone will
please
mark the spot
where I fall and know I could not live
silent in my own lies”

These lines make me think of the women all over the world who are standing up for their rights, women who take risks to stand up and be free-women like Wangari Maathai, a Nobel Prize Winner who was beaten and jailed while walking her path defending women and the environment in Kenya, and founder of the Green Belt Movement, empowering women to better their lives and environment by planting trees.

It makes me think of fictional but symbolically powerful characters like Priya in the Indian women’s rights comic book, Priya’s Shakti, a rape victim who calls on Hindu spiritual forces to liberate herself and find her Shakti or power. It makes me think of you and I, anyone who is doing their best day to day to live a good life. Anyone, of any gender, ethnicity, age, or culture, will likely at some point in their life feel a call to be themselves and take care of themselves at any cost. Unfortunately, because of the enduring variety of prejudice and injustice in our societies worldwide, for some the cost of self-care and self-love is much greater.

Alice Walker writes that she is tired of people adoring her polite, nice self and of living for what others (family, lovers, etc.) want. She comes into herself, set against the backdrop of the whole world, and things start to make more sense to her;

“I find my own
small person
a standing self
against the world
an equality of wills
I finally understand.”

She also writes about her inner darkness and her own empowerment in recognizing it. I have read that which we do not recognize ends up ruling us, and I think it is true- unfelt anger, rage, hurt, and fear can drive us blindly if we do not recognize them. When we can know they are there, and hopefully with some compassion for ourselves, we are empowered with what Walker calls the

“keys
to my death – to unlock life, or close it shut
forever.”

I love that in the end of the poem she references the things that make her shine from within, that she loves:

“wood grains, the color
yellow
and the sun.”

We must all claim the things that give us life and joy, and know that even in a difficult world that needs so much from us at times, enjoying and honoring these things is crucial to our survival and also makes life worth living. For me these things would include coffee with a book and my love, campfires and fireplaces, seashells and the sea. Walker also writes that:

“I am happy to fight
all outside murderers
as I see I must.”

Here again we see a fierceness in self-love and self-claiming. I am reminded of Ntozake Shange’s words,

“if it’s really my stuff
ya gotta give it to me
if ya really want it
i’m the only one who
can HANDLE it.”

We all have the right to claim, handle, and celebrate our “stuff,” to “unlock life or close it shut,” and to “strip bark from ourselves” as we see fit. I’m sending thanks and images of wood grain in the sun to Alice Walker.

By: Ascension Lifestyle Contributor Julia Travers

https://juliatravers.wordpress.com/

https://twitter.com/traversjul

23 Nov 2015
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The Science of Personal Growth – An Interview With Dr. Kevin Fleming

We all strive for high achievement, and when we get there, we want to continually maintain and improve it, as well as avoid obstacles that hinder our growth. But what about the default patterns of behavior hard-wired in our brains that keep us from becoming the greatest version of ourselves? Regardless of how successful one becomes, we can all benefit from someone who can reveal within us the mechanisms to achieve peak mental performance and the fortitude to persevere through difficult circumstances. Life will always have unique challenges and working with someone who can reduce the psychological problems that interfere with our performance achievement is an expertise highly coveted among successful people.

The problem with many psychotherapists, mentors, coaches, psychologists, etc, is that they often adhere to very rigid protocols and procedures that barely scratch the surface, nor do they have the type of human connection needed to break through to the client’s core. There are many layers and modes of operation that the brain employs to make decisions and feel at ease. Within those layers, are functions that can also hinder the process of change, which require a highly skilled practitioner to navigate effectively. This is crucial when getting to the source of the what’s holding us back from living the best version of our lives.

Enter Dr. Kevin Fleming, an expert in his field with a distinct and genuine approach to maximizing human potential. He is the founder of Grey Matters International, an exceptional behavior-change consulting firm with a neuroscience-based decision-making process. His proprietary approach to helping his clients is in high demand and continues to change lives worldwide. He has traveled the world to see clients in 5 continents, interacting with people from diverse backgrounds and industries. His methods yield results where shortcomings are common in traditional practices.

A seasoned professional, Dr. Fleming earned his B.A, M.A, and Ph.D from the university of Notre Dame, doing his postdoctoral residency in Behavioral Medicine. This background and experience adds to his impressive credentials and has helped him revolutionize how common issues of the human condition can be addressed. He brings together cutting-edge neuroscience with a concierge model of care, working one-on-one with a wide range of personalities to carefully tailor the perfect mental wellness solution for every client, some of whom include cabinet members of the King of Jordan, Fortune 100 executives and NFL players. He is a knowledgeable resource who has been cited in the New York Times, Fortune Magazine, Newsweek, CNN, The Huffington Post, and his work has received praise from the faculties of Harvard Medical and Business Schools.

Dr. Fleming’s company, Grey Matters International, is a change agent, revolutionizing the way people see and conduct themselves while navigating both personal and professional relationships. His expertise fills a void, addressing those who are tired of conventional “feel good” coaches, trainers and self-help experts, many of whom have little understanding of the high-performing brain and the real catalysts needed for lasting improvement.

We caught up with Dr. Fleming and asked him a few questions about his profession, as well as what makes his consulting firm different from everyone else in his field.

What is unique about your personal development consulting verses other personal development programs?

Grey Matters International is a unique neuroscience-based platform of technologies, insights, and behavior change strategies that are brought to client locations, in the form of intensives or private retreats, for the purpose of making sustainable transformations, not just in “superficial mood” but in actual decision making. Our company assumes irrationality of human beings as a “norm” and works hard to go beyond mere motivational trite mantras and into the contradictions within all of us. Unlike other personal development approaches which assume what you say is what you want, we know the brain is full of self-deceit at the worst, and maximizing efficiency at its best. Most self-help programs assume too much rationality and it’s why most of those programs don’t stick.

What motivated you to get into this line of work?

It was organic and not something I chose consciously….I knew helping people was always in my DNA and shrinks were the cornerstone to that….but I quickly learned that there I fell in love with the work around illusions and half-truths of those of us “doing” the helping work and that was what prompted Grey Matters Intl to be formed.

Why did you move away from a clinical practice to a consulting role? Did you feel the clinical approach was too rigid and unable to address key issues?

I invite people to download for free the Half Truth High, which explains a lot of this exodus from that side of things and over to this new model of work. You can do that from my homepage at: www.greymattersintl.com

Can you provide an example of how your program uses the power of neuroplasticity to change behavior?

Our private, concierge level retreats are always for one person (or couple) and with this personalization, we have the ability to do multiple, concentrated neuroplasticity methods. For one, we will measure neurochemistry and neuroregulatory hormones (If it’s applicable to their goals, of course) and be able to give them an actual analysis to view their levels, something most psychiatrists and other medical professionals sadly never do. We then are able to use this mapping as a guidepost for an all-natural, holistic roadmap of medicinals to repair the delicate balance again. We also have a neurotechnology that is quite profound in the neural network aspect of changing the brain fast and effective. Networks are where most of our patterned behaviors “rest” and we have an innovative way of astronomically balancing the brain and rebuilding neural pathways. Stories of change are unbelievable from this: www.greymattersintl.com/company/testimonials

You’ve said that “true inner change cannot occur when the approach is based on nothing more than thought and perception.” How can we break our negative patterns without rationally attempting to do so? Is this more of a challenge for the subconscious mind?

Great question. Yes, the stuff of “The Secret” and all the “just think it and it will happen to you”, are all half-truths at best. Sure, encountering the reality of the consequences of your thinking is a necessary but not sufficient condition for change. I have tons of examples of people who have radically changed their mood, behavior, and decisions without ever consciously changing their thoughts, and others who have worked so hard at trying to change their thinking that they get tripped up in it and paradoxically create more thinking traps from this practice. It was once said, “Happiness is in the waiting room of happiness”. This is profound, for it speaks to the balance ontologically around how we get to this state of fulfillment. Many times it is about paradox, and not only that, especially for first to second order change situations which is what most of my clients are actually seeking; they have consciously tried MANY self-help strategies and if anything they are at that place where their solutions are now the reason they are perpetuating their problem. Grey Matters International is a master at helping people see how we all can solve the wrong problem really well 🙂

Is emotional processing incorporated into your method of behavior change? Walk us through how are you able to help your clients process emotional trauma associated with the root cause of the behavior.

Yes and no. Emotions are always a part of what we desire to have change or shifted in our lives when we are stuck or have a goal to change, but I do feel we have overdone this….no, not in the value or importance, but in the misapplied strategies we use to get these shifts. I use the neurotechnology FIRST to repair emotional imbalance primarily for no amount of ’emotional processing” will fix a hole in a cup. All the water you pour into it will go out. One must fix first the capital F part of FEELINGS (ie: valence, arousal level) before getting into actual content of feelings and moving that to “small f” feelings. They merge and mingle too much and in my experience that confuses “emotional processing” work when done in talk therapy fashion which makes all words equal in valence and meaning.

“Medication or therapy are the cornerstones of traditional psychological enhancement.” Can you explain your position on this?

I believe all good things when misapplied to context or gone to an extreme become weaknesses, and meds and therapy are no different. It is a one size fits all kind of approach that I believe ignores the “every brain is a fingerprint” kind of unique way of thinking. Also, I do not feel processing of feelings over and over in therapy is good for a soul that is at risk of saturation of self.

What do your clients get from you that they can’t get anywhere else?

24/7 access to a renowned thought leader, done in a way that is quite down to earth, refreshing, psychobabble-free, and on demand to fit their lifestyle. A we-come-to-you model of care today is unheard of, especially in the many hats I wear fashion—from individual to couples work, to high performance work, to corporate/executive wellness, to team based facilitations. Also, fresh new thinking that is NOT being taught today in the medical and mental health circles around behavior change and transformation. Lastly, the most cutting edge neuroscience technologies is quite appealing to folks desiring innovation in their care.

“We must know our brain’s biases and errors in thinking, on a day to day basis, as well as the approaches being offered to us as brain changing.” Can you explain this statement in more detail?

Our own self-deceit and addiction to “being right” blocks all of us and the kind of sort of true solution we come up with to a problem and the actual full systems or maximally virtuous one BOTH get the same emotional response produced by the brain. The difference? Usually some sort of brain bias or self-protective quality at play. Being aware of this not only forces us to go beyond what merely makes sense; it allows a pathway to fuller truths and humility….something we don’t like to talk much about these days but is a cornerstone to lasting happiness.

‘Interrupting the decision-making process of the executive brain’ is something you have mentioned on your website. Does this interruption force one to think about how one is making decisions, therefore seeing the errors in the decision making process?

Well, disruption is the key to new transformative learning and breaking of new patterns. Many times my sophisticated or executive level clients’ narcissism blocks true growth and the best way to change these folks is causing “the right type of problems” instead 🙂 This can be done with accountability work in the realm of psychological boundaries, in a hard hitting no nonsense way, or via our neurotechnology which disrupts old patterns and creates new ones.

In your opinion, what are some of the root causes of negative patterns of behavior and thinking, and how does your consulting address this?

I would say 90 percent of this has to do with trauma. And I believe there are four types: Either acute or chronic, and either infringement based or abandonment based (so you can see a 2 by 2 matrix here is formed to create 4 types of individuals). Remember, trauma is NOT just something really bad happening to you. It is something violating to the brain’s predictive strategies around what a “normal, healthy expectation” is in this world of relationships and discovery. We ALL have been in these four boxes and to me that is where the core starts, from there, we create compensatory half-truth ways of living that eventually don’t take us to the finish line.

In a postmodern world full of multi-tasking and tight deadlines, it’s harder for people to have a linear focus on something. Our attention is inundated with multiple tabs, tight deadlines, and excessive work. What is your approach to performance enhancement in this scenario?

This is correct. While there are lots of neuroscience answers to healing a burned out/stressed out brain—and we certainly do a large amount of work in this area via our neurotechnology —the long term solution is really around boundaries and setting them inside a world that is essentially without boundaries. The brain was not meant to go 24/7 with no breaks. As Stanford neurobiologist Dr. Sapolsky mentions in his book “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers”, unlike this animal in the wild who either enters or escapes immediate threat, we stay activated inside potential threats of urgency everyday, keeping us over stimulated. Without removing one’s self frequently for “little breaks” of non-work/non-engagement, this is all futile.

I did an interview on all this, with the technology expert for Today Show/CNN, Mario Armstrong: www.steinershow.org/podcasts/december-8-2011-hour-2/

Some of your past clients have mentioned that you helped them get down to their core values and find out what really matters to them. Sometimes what really matters to someone is not aligned with their career. Some people who are successful at making a lot of money aren’t necessarily passionate about it. As a mentor, coach, and consultant, how would you navigate this situation? Would you try to help them find meaning in their work or encourage them to take a new path?

We all make trade offs in life. I don’t “do” anything to my clients. All I do is invite them to explore their own personal cost/benefit ratios and take them through stages of change (precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance). Most people try to take control of these people by telling them what to do just because there is some ambivalence and conflict. Each stage requires a different skill to engage in and through ambivalence, something we all don’t like because we are too busy being addicted to getting rid of dissonance in our life. Grey Matters International got its name not just because of the obvious brain allusions in the name, but because, philosophically, the greyness of life and the inherent unsureness of things “matters” in being as it is ….not to be therapized, medicated, persuaded away necessarily.

What are the most typical scenarios you find yourself consulting, example divorce, addiction, etc.

stress/burnout

addiction

relationship conflict and repair

high performance goals/issues

mood disorders

memory/cognitive/attentional goals

Traumatic Brain Injury and other post-concussive, or neurorehabilitation issues

Is your approach purely scientific? To what degree, if any, do spiritual or philosophical ways of dealing with life influence your professional career?

It is neurophilosophical and spiritual at its core, whether or not people “are” overtly spiritual or religious. There is definitely a contrarian common denominator to many not-of-this-world type ways of looking at life and solving problems. Take the idea of forgiveness and mercy. I can show this has neurophysiological benefits as well as functional outcome improvements in rational issues of life. However, the brain is addicted to one size fits all solutions and we many times ‘miss’ these counterintuitive aspects of healing as we are too busy holding a hammer and making the world a nail.

You work with a lot of people in high level positions, how do you think that level of responsibility and expectation effects those people?

In the 70’s a phrase called “imposter syndrome” was coined for an actual block that describes successful people’s inability to internalize their own achievements and integrate those into an identity that makes sense and is fulfilling. I believe this is a huge issue with today’s leaders who are working too hard at being someone they felt they were told to be and then having to try to “own” that life when all the rewards and pleasures are robbing their pleasure circuitries and confusing hedonism and happiness. I find these guys and gals are in a big work addiction cycle that is very tough to break, eventually all that “hard work” gets automatized and breaking from that lifestyle actually makes pain and suffering……just like withdrawal.

Can you tell me about the time you played guitar with a client? How did a decision like that end up creating a closer bond with you and the client?

It showed shrinks don’t always need to talk or work so hard at a verbal mode of listening together. Maybe we can radically disrupt the assumptions of “words” and use a whole ‘nother modality of connection and transcendence. That is music. And ego is removed and something greater is effortlessly created by just sharing notes together

You seem to have a balanced left and right brain way of solving problems. As a Jazz musician, what is your perspective on merging the analytical and the creative. Would you say that your methods are a little more unconventional, in a progressive way?

I am definitely an unconventional, renegade type professional, and able to smooth out all that roughness with Grace 🙂

You can read Dr. Flemings insightful articles by visiting: www.greymattersintl.com/blog, a blog dedicated to unraveling our cognitive and perceptual biases, and how our brain views what we think is true about change, success, high performance, leadership, and decision-making. His thought provoking blog reveals that we are all predictably irrational creatures who persist on a rational way of understanding achievement and the meaning of life.

www.greymattersintl.com

www.twitter.com/DrKevinFleming

www.facebook.com/GreyMattersInternational

www.linkedin.com/in/greymattersintl

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15 Nov 2015
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Reflections on a World of Grief: New Moon in Scorpio and the Saturn Neptune Square

I don’t mourn for a city. I mourn for people and the land they live on. I mourn for all the beings that have died traumatic deaths, all the lives disrupted, all the trauma created and all the people that are grieving the loss of their loved ones. In Paris, yes, and beyond. I don’t mourn for nation states, borders and boundaries. I mourn for the lies that are covered by their flags. I mourn for our collective consciousness that values some lives more than others.

I mourn for the normalization of black, brown, indigenous, queer, femme, female slaughter. I mourn for the way western, colonial thought dominates news networks blaming, shaming and setting up those from Islamic nations to bear the burden of our collective war crimes. I mourn for the fact that we are so far from clear about the western world’s involvement and financial backing of ISIS and other organizations of terror that we think we have been attacked by some foreign “other”.

I mourn for those that are terrorized by the American government, military and police force on this land and beyond. I mourn for our lack of consciousness about how we terrorize others. I mourn for our lack of empathy when we learn that we do. I mourn for our cognitive dissonance. I mourn for the fact that while we conceptually know that we are “all one”, the reality of valuing each life as equal is still far from the norm. I mourn for how racism, xenophobia, nationalism and colonialism have molded our way of thinking and shaped the pathways of our hearts.

I mourn for the part of us that blames the victim, time and time again. I mourn for the part of us that is too weak to stand up to the perpetrator. I mourn for the part of our souls that is so twisted, misshaped and malfunctioning that is chooses to align itself with the ones who wage these wars.

I mourn for all of this. I am a part of all of this. I am not separate from any of this. I mourn for this aspect of humanity, this aspect of myself that keeps reliving this nightmare.

I thought a lot this weekend. I thought and felt a lot about how I use astrology. How my community uses astrology. I thought about the Scorpio new moon. I thought about Saturn in Sagittarius squaring Neptune in Pisces. I thought about what was going on and what it meant for our world, our hearts and this profession.

There were obvious Scorpio themes in the past week. Themes of using power over others and using our inner power to inspire others to locate and use their own. There were also obvious emerging themes of Saturn in Sagittarius as the combination relates to issues of faith, extremism, education and xenophobia.

The successful demonstrations and strikes at Mizzou and the nationwide support for the students there was a beautiful example of how to use our personal power to inspire collective power in the face of racism and hatred (also a type of terrorism). The racist backlash and threats (again, terrorism) were an obvious example of how to use Scorpio energy in its most base, violent way.

Saturn in Sagittarius is also part of this story because the world of higher education is governed by Sagittarius and because Saturn makes real the issues we have with higher education. As Saturn in Sagittarius unfolds (it is far from over), more of these events are likely to come to light.

The terrorist attacks that took place in Beirut, Baghdad and Paris could be seen as another manifestation of the new moon in Scorpio and using that energy again in the most base, destructive way possible.

This moment has teased out the question of how we use our power and what we lend our power to. What happened this weekend in Paris is a tragedy, through and through. And it is a tragedy that happens in many countries the world over all the time. It happened in Beirut and Baghdad days before Paris and no president said anything about it. No astrological publication or astrologer that I know of pulled up the chart for Beirut or Baghdad and made a declaration about Saturn in Sagittarius either.

But we did for Paris.

There seems to be a conversation brewing in astrological circles about religious fundamentalism in connection to Saturn’s (the planet that makes things solid and defined) recent arrival into Sagittarius (a sign that deals with religion), but why now? Is it due to the fact that terrorist attacks have happened in France twice since Saturn moved into Sagittarius? But terrorist attacks happen in non-westerners countries, to non-white people all the time. Why don’t they get astrological scrutiny? Why draw up charts of and investigate only certain nations being attacked, certain types of people, and certain types of cultures? When does the terror that black and brown folks face get to be as worthy of the white solidarity and of the astrological communities expertise? When is the terrorism that happens in a non-western country worthy of airtime and analysis?

Certainly Saturn in Sagittarius brings into form, and therefore into our consciousness, the problems with patriarchal (Saturn) religious ideologies (Sagittarius). Squaring Neptune (compassion, confusion and delusion) in Pisces (dreamy, impressionistic and ideal states of oneness), the Saturn in Sagittarius complex gets outed possibly for the delusion that it is and that it feeds us.

Colonial thinking has power because it dehumanizes those that come from somewhere we know little to nothing about. We don’t have to see “them” as “us” or “their” suffering as “real”. When we dehumanize others, their suffering just isn’t as bad as ours. It’s simply not “our” problem and maybe not even “our” astrology.

Perhaps then, Saturn’s entrance into Sagittarius will make real this kind of disparage in our global philosophy. Perhaps Saturn’s transit through Sagittarius, especially as it makes three squares to Neptune in Pisces over the next year, can informs us, can remind us and can teach us that those that grieve their loved ones in the Middle East, in Africa, in Asia, and in the Americas do so in the same way. The same pain runs through every heart on this earth.

Let us not be manipulated by fear to turn against each other, creating ever more suffering. Let us grieve together, in solidarity for a world gone mad and in hopes for a world returned to sanity, which is to say, love.

By: Chani Nicholas

Chani has a degree in Feminist Counseling from George Brown College and a BA in Integral Studies from California Institute of Integral Studies. She has studied psychological astrology for over 20 years and is currently studying Hellenistic astrology with Demetra George. Chani devotes her spare time to studying, practicing and supporting restorative justice practices. You can find her at http://chaninicholas.com

14 Nov 2015
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The Lesson Repeats as Needed – Organic Transformation aka Learning Things the Hard Way

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Lessons repeat as needed.

You know, these situations when you think – damn, I’ve been here before. Sometimes you’ve been in that place even several times.

So why does this madness repeat? It’s not meeting you at the same old level of awareness and evolution. You’ve made quite some progress in the meantime. Look closer: It’s not exactly the same, right?

To level up, add trust and openness. Like, the ‘heart cracked wide open’ kind of openness. Things will change quickly, avalanches of insight will fall into your heart.

The moment you switch your head off things get more dangerous and – paradoxically enough – safer than you could ever wish for. You hand yourself over to invisible hands.

Faith. You get still and listen. It’s like an exam. To pass it you need to apply what you have learned so far. The night is darkest right before dawn. It might feel and look like everything’s over, no way out.

But there is always a way out, many ways even. And your task is to find the one that’s most aligned with your calling, your spiritual skills, with your SOUL ultimately.

It’s the nature of the Phoenix, you fall, you burn and die (a little or a lot, it depends, you never know beforehand), and then you soar, purified, stronger, you soar higher than ever before.

Hint: Next time therefore you’ll probably fall deeper, but your soul will be wiser and stronger, you’ll manage to navigate the next Phoenix-cycle, like you were able to deal with those in the past.

Your evolution isn’t linear, it has ups and downs, and it’s a labyrinthine route, steep, and meandering, spiraling upwards in changing pace. The spiraling nature is what gets you to the point where you think you’ve just returned to ‘Go’.

You think you’ve tackled shame once and for all and then it comes back, washing over you worse than ever before, on such a deep level, you feel like you’ll never work your way towards the light again. Not in this lifetime.

Or Jealousy? Fear of rejection? Recurring scarcity? Grief? All these “issues” make you feel like you’re isolated from the world, seeing everything through blackened glass, not able to participate in the blissful, carefree life “out there”.

Craving connection, a sense of belonging. And yet consumed with the lonely business of working through your shadows.

There are glimpses of light, of Enlightenment even. But you’ve signed up for a thorough field trip through the minefield of the human soul.

It sucks. But it’s serving you, it enables you to get you to a place where you finally experience wholeness, Oneness. You are not a separate being.

Things sometimes (often) feel pretty frustrating, especially if you’re like me – a rebel (with extremely thin skin, though), coming with fancy features like a shit ton of stubbornness and refusal, but the willingness to move forward and learn to grow into the things that are calling me.

That’s a very organic approach to transformative learning. We have to feel things out, get our hands dirty and our hearts and egos broken to learn, to have the lessons really sink in.

By experiencing everything yourself, with all your senses, bruises, broken wings and all, you gain wisdom that others never will access, because they didn’t want to dig into the dirt.

You’re not a pseudo-awakened spirit, you’re a real Soul-Alchemist. You know how to work and play hard, how to fall deep and how to get back up. Again and again and again and…. You get the picture.

You try to make yourself comfortable in the discomfort, in the realm of paradox which is characteristic for the thing we call human existence. It’s an illusion, Maya, a thousand truths but none of them is real.

It’s a cosmic game. To play a game that has no rules is tricky. It could be so easy: No rules – no mistakes. Nope. That would be boring. The Universe likes exciting twists, sudden turns, magic, terror and wonder.

We are made to FEEL. And, to tell you a secret, in private, there is one hidden rule underneath the no-rule premise: Keep going. Keep getting up, crawl if you must.

I don’t mean in a physical way, quite the opposite. Rest is vital to this journey. You need time to integrate, you can’t always run on full steam. Believe me, I’m someone who’s often persistently trying to do just that – can’t recommend it… Working on quitting this harmful habit.

But don’t ever stop exploring, don’t stop growing. Don’t settle.

Image Source

I’ve got an example of organic transformation from my own latest experience for you (work in progress, of course):

I’ve been asked to be patient and wait until a magical date with destiny – literally. It felt like forever and I often felt like turning around and call this waiting game quits. I’ve been in this situation a few times before – the lesson repeats as needed, you know….

In the past I didn’t manage to endure the tension of the wait, I got angry, mistrusted the process, ran from it, deeply hurt and frustrated.

What I thought I’d learned was that I had to protect my heart and soul even more fiercely, to block out any attempts of people trying to get in touch with me. Too dangerous, too painful, too straining.

Meanwhile it’s a mere few weeks from now until the long desired re-union. I’ve waited and prepared for this moment what feels like my entire life, I’ve manifested a connection that suddenly fell from the heavens, divinely orchestrated.

I got the whole package, including testing and probing, challenges – how far will I go, how bad do I really want it? How serious am I? How mature in my approach? Triggers were fired at me, buttons were pushed,

I raged, mourned, cried.The lesson, yeah. Damn. I’ve made a vow to never go through this again.

And to get me into this place where my soul is being pulled that strongly – I didn’t believe this was possible. It would take an extraordinarily deep bond, one that I couldn’t deny and fight, no matter how much I resisted.

Well, this bond actually does exist, this connection haunted me even in my dreams. No way I could ignore it. I’ve tried, of course, I remembered my vow!

Then I started pondering what the lesson might be. I had wished for such an encounter, I knew it existed, I felt it for so many years. But I also was scared. And again there were obstacles in the way.

This time I chose to trust the process, to use it as catalyst for transformation. I worked on past trauma and deep scars, on trust, openness and surrender, radical acceptance.

It was like a fire, burning everything that doesn’t serve me anymore, it’s working quick. Just to make me discover that underneath the issues there are deeper things to be released. Growth is a never-ending story.*sigh*

So there I was, with waterfalls of liquid fire in my belly, bursting into fireworks. Energetic short circuits on a daily basis, palpable electricity, increasingly so, the closer I got to the magical date.

Temporary total breakdown and exhaustion. Hard to hold space for such a powerful connection. Not even being asked, just having it washing over me. It’s not about me, by the way, it’s about something way bigger, the heart of hearts. Spiritual Alchemy.

My ego got grinded and burned, until I was standing in the biting cold. Naked, clueless. Not able to keep up all the defensiveness and resistance. “So this is how it starts?”, I asked.
“Yes.”

I saw codes of the matrix running on the ceiling, in my hands, like sand in an hourglass. Losing matter and reality, seeing them run through my fingers. Time stopped.

I got hints and keywords along the way. My soul spoke to me clearly. Letting Go. Alignment. Exploring my Darkside. Self-Love. Surrender. And a few more.

This was the work of almost two very intense years. I did the best to get it right, to keep up with the pace that was demanded. I was fierce. My energetic and physical body got a makeover, refinement, my skin got even thinner – massive sensitivity.

Now daylight hurts. I’m reading other people’s souls as I walk by. If I want to escape the craze, close my eyes, it gets even worse. Visions, messages, entire downloads, I’m chased and surrounded by spirit beings. I stuff my ears, cover my eyes – in vain.

I’m scared by all the intensity. The unfathomable truths that peak through Maya – illusion. Accessing universal consciousness, being pulled in a dozen different directions at the same time, trying to hold all that shit together without getting dissolved in the process, without losing my mind.

I want to scream, I want to wake up. But I can’t, I’ve woken up to the fact that I’m dreaming a long time back.

There are layers. Dreams inside of dreams, black holes, rabbit holes, you never know where and when you reach the surface again, Maybe never? My mind gets dizzy just writing this. Can anyone understand? Does anyone see it, too?

My soul is bursting in hysterical and equally pleased laughter. YES. That’s exactly what it wants for me. That’s what I’m here for to endure, to grow into.

I often feel like I can’t. It’s impossible. But I continue stumbling forward. One step in front of the other. My knees weak, my heart racing.

And if you ask me where I’m going, I answer with shaking voice: I’m being called, that’s the only thing I know for sure. The calling is ear-deafening. And I meet others along the way, like you, blinded, golden at heart. Lighthouses, messengers, guardians.

I’m about to connect with one. A magic fusion. I’m scared. Of course. I’m a pro in being scared, in case you haven’t noticed yet. I’m also excited. I have nothing to lose, except my mind. But on the path I’m called to go, we all are called to go, the mind is but a tool.

It’s a soul-path.

Intuition is the compass, and the invisible hand is pulling the strings to get us safely where we’re meant to be. Did I mention that I’m allergic to strings?

Every time I hit a low I think “I can’t do this anymore, I’m tired, have mercy, it’s so hard to fall down and climb back up time and again!”

And suddenly, out of nowhere and when I expect it the least, a bout of strength gets unleashed in my heart, I get up and do what I can best, trust that somehow I’ll be safe, somehow everything will make sense eventually.

And on I stumble, with sore feet, singed wings and tear-stained skin.
Carry on.

That’s what I’m here to tell you: Carry on.
You’re strong. You can do this. You have the capacity to stand the confusion and pain, to metabolize ashes to sparks of divine light.

Keep going, crawl, if you must. It’s the only rule of the game. You know what’s demanded of you. And you know that it’s demanded of you, BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE.

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We’d love hear your stories of transformation. Join the conversation in the comments below.

About the Author:

Lina Boldt is a seeker, healer and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her newly born website Disobey With Grace or on facebook, where you can also join her group of non-conformists and messy souls.

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