About the Author:
Mreeuh Chang
About the Author:
Mreeuh Chang
If you’re like me, you’re an extroverted introvert. You can be outgoing, yet you desperately need your alone time.
You can’t do that. You’re one or the other.
No, this is how I am. And that’s how many other people are. But we’re often misunderstood.
Take for instance, people often see me as completely, inarguably, extroverted because that’s the personality that gets the most attention. The other side of me, the side that stays home and reads all day, doesn’t get any attention (but I love doing that, take a look at my reading list if you don’t believe me).
Let me tell you what happened a few weekends ago.
I spent Saturday alone, reading, writing, getting errands done. At 8:54 pm, I got a text from a friend, asking what I was up to. He was making plans to go out. I responded, “Nothing. What’s up?”
Fifteen minutes passed and he didn’t respond. I wanted to go out and considered calling him to see what was happening, but also wanted to sit in bed and read a book before going to bed at 10 pm. So I didn’t call.
Another fifteen minutes passed and I finally made the call. It took half an hour and a significant amount of energy for me to put down my book, pick up my phone, and call him to figure out the plan for that night.
So instead of staying in and reading myself to sleep, I left my apartment at 9:30 pm to go out for drinks.
And you know what I did? I danced. And I was obnoxious. And I had tons of fun.
But the next day? I sat at a coffee shop and read a book. I did some grocery shopping, cooked, and ate alone while watching Netflix. I spoke to almost no one. I only texted my friend who I went out with the night before to see how he was doing. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. And I loved it.
So yes I’m outgoing. But not all the time.
The fact is, extroversion and introversion isn’t an either/or type of thing. It’s a spectrum and you can lie anywhere along that spectrum.
For us, we happen to be very close to the middle and even flip-flop between the two.
I know, it’s confusing.
Some of us learned to become more extroverted because we realize that the basis of human nature is grounded in interacting with each other – it’s kind of unavoidable.
To relieve you of some confusion, here are a few things we’d like you to know about extroverted introverts.
1. We’re often quiet, but it doesn’t mean we don’t want to talk.
We most likely have plenty of thoughts we want to talk about, but think that they won’t interest you. We’d rather listen to you talk because we want to learn about you and we know you’d enjoy talking.
2. And just because we like being around people doesn’t mean we want to talk.
Talking requires a lot of effort. For us, being around people is often enough to make us happy. I know, it’s a little confusing.
3. We like hanging out one on one better than groups. We’ll listen to you forever.
One on one hangouts are more intimate and we like that. It means we get a chance to actually get to know you and have a thorough conversation about what we real;y care about instead of making small talk that an entire group can contribute to.
4. We suck at responding to texts because sometimes we don’t want to talk – to anyone.
It’s not that we hate people or that we’re annoyed. Sometimes we’ve just been around people so much that we’re exhausted from talking and texting and Skyping and we just don’t want to talk. We’re totally open to hanging out in person, just don’t expect us to talk too much when we’re in one of these moods.
5. We’re open to meeting your other friends. Just let us know ahead of time that we’ll be meeting new people so we can mentally prepare ourselves to socialize.
We’re not closed off to meeting new people, it’s just a very exhausting thing to do. So we literally have to prepare ourselves to socialize. We have to get into the mindset of, “Okay, I’m going to be talking a lot.”
6. Despite needing our alone time, we do get lonely.
It’s difficult to balance between alone time and not feeling lonely. Often we’ll want to go out because we feel alone, but our apartment is so comfortable that we won’t want to leave.
7. It’s hard to get us out, but we’ll have a great time when we go out.
Sometimes we’ll require some coercing to get us out of the house. Again, it’s not that we don’t want to go out, we just start thinking, “What if it’s not fun? I could totally be reading my book. What if the tickets are sold out? What if they don’t actually want me to go and they’re just inviting me to be nice? We begin to draw into our own heads and make up things that could go wrong and use them as excuses to not go out.
8. We’ll happily chat up your parents/friends/girlfriend/boyfriend/boss/etc., but once it’s over, we require silence.
After so much talking, we really need to recharge.
9. We’re not always the most talkative person in a group, but if someone is in need of a social life jacket, we can step up and offer that.
Again, we’ll happily chat someone up if the situation arises. We get that conversation can be uncomfortable, so if we see someone who is worse than us at holding a conversation, then we’ll take the initiative to make them feel more comfortable.
9. We won’t plan a party, but if we do, it’s a really big deal for us.
We can’t imagine hosting an event solely for our own sake. We don’t even think people would want to come to a party that we host. So if we do host something, it’s a big deal for us.
10. We live in our heads even if it seems like we put ourselves out there.
Even when we’re being outgoing, our thoughts are still running and analyzing the situation.
11. Because we can be outgoing and calculated at the same time, sometimes we end up being leaders.
But that does not mean we want praise, nor do we want to talk about how great we are.
People seem to think that we’re fit to be leaders. We can stand up and talk in front of crowds when we need to. We can make decisions when we need to. But we often analyze ourselves and don’t think highly of our skill sets. Sometimes we don’t believe we’re good enough to lead. We always think we can be better so praise often makes us cringe.
12. We bounce between wanting to be noticed for our hard work to panicking over the thought of somebody else paying more than 30 seconds of attention to us.
Sometimes we want attention, other times it’s hard to believe anyone would spend more than 10 seconds on us.
13. People think we’re flirtatious. We’re not.
We understand that interacting with people is a necessary part of life. So we make an effort to do it intentionally, and genuinely want people to know that they have our undivided interest and attention.
14. We get mad at ourselves for wanting to stay in and letting our friends down.
Which is why we sometimes force ourselves to go out. To let our friends know that we enjoy spending time with them, not because we want to be out.
15. We’re at your happiest in places like coffee shops and cafés: surrounded by people, but still closed off and keeping to yourself.
We just like being around people, even if they’re strangers. It’s the compromise of being around people but not having to talk to them.
16. We have a constant inner struggle of controlling our introverted side.
It’s frustrating because we’ll realize when we start withdrawing into our own minds and become extremely introspective. It happens when we’re in really big crowds. And the only thought is, “Oh no, it’s happening. No. I have to talk to someone now. But it’s so difficult. No. Yes, you have to talk or else you’re going to end up in your head for the rest of the night.”
17. We really don’t like small talk.
We’d avoid small talk if we could. We want to really get to know you. We want to know what you think about, what your goals are, what your family is like. We don’t want to talk about how bad the weather is. But if that’s what you’re comfortable talking about, then we’ll talk about it.
18. We don’t actually have a staple “group” of friends.
We often pick and choose one or two individuals from different social groups that make up our closest friends. But we make this handful of best friends our life and we’d do anything for them.
19. If we like you, we really like you.
We’re extremely picky about who we spend our time and energy on. If we’ve hung out multiple times, take it as a compliment.
Seriously. If it’s such a struggle to talk to people and if we get so exhausting going out, it’s a big deal if we’re willing to spend our time and energy with you. It isn’t to say that we’re full of ourselves. We just wouldn’t want to spend that energy with people whose company we don’t enjoy.
By David Khim for Lifehack.org
David Ly Khim is a content and growth marketer for Sidekick. He writes about marketing, career development, and productivity. When he isn’t working, he’s in the middle of a book or on the dance floor.
Bethany Yellowtail Is Redefining Native American Fashion In A Beautifully Authentic Way
Cultural appropriation is nothing new in fashion — many designers, brands, celebrities and even editors have been known to repurpose traditional garments for the sake of style.
Twenty-six year old fashion designer, Bethany Yellowtail, is about to change that with her fashion line, B.Yellowtail. Her label draws inspiration from “the sacred and re-imagines it for the contemporary woman,” breathing new life into ancestral knowledge and redefining Native-inspired design.
The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising graduate, who is from Crow (Apsáalooke) and Northern Cheyenne Nations in south eastern Montana, first found herself at the centre of a cultural appropriation debate back in February. London label KTZ sent a model down the runway for its fall 2015 fashion show wearing a dress that was strikingly similar to Yellowtail’s design. Now, she’s making waves on her own terms with her latest collection, “The Mighty Few.”
Named after her home district on the Crow nation, the collection is all about honouring the continuity, beauty and resilience of Native Americans.
For inspiration, she created a mood board centered around a black-and-white photo of her great grandfather, “Hawk with the Yellowtail feathers,” and built around his image with more photos of her relatives from the early 1900s.
“The style from that time period was transitioning from traditional wear to apparel influenced by European assimilation,” she told HuffPost Canada Style via e-mail. “I love these images because they speak true to the resiliency of our people. Regardless of the times or circumstances, there were always strong elements of Crow design and craftsmanship, especially in attire.”
This inspiration translated into stunning pieces including a French lace top with elements of elk teeth hand stitched onto it, a colourfully printed women’s warrior ledger scarf and a floral tea skirt with artisanal beadwork.
She chose to feature only indigenous people in the campaign, from the models (Jade Willoughby, Martin Sensmeier) to the photographer (Thosh Collins) to the video editor (D.E. Hyde) and even the poet (Tazbah Rose Chavez), so she could accurately share an authentic story through fashion and art.
“From my own experience, I’ve often found that people’s perceptions of what Native American people are, is very limited and often times constrained to a stereotypical ideal,” she explained. “The media, film, and especially [individuals] in fashion perpetuate those ideas by creating generic and romanticized versions of our ancestors.”
“I want the people who view my work to see the faces, hear the voices of our people, and participate in an authentic story that honours our diverse nations,” she continued. “My hopes are that the campaign showcases a variety of the immense talent and diversity that exists within our native nations.”
And while she does draw inspiration from Native Americans, B.Yellowtail is for people from all walks of life. The line takes pride in storytelling through fashion in hopes of authentically representing its nations, while sharing its culture and creative an inclusive space.
“For me, my mission is not about trying to combat cultural appropriation,” Bethany explained. “I simply want to carve out a space where an authentic voice and an authentic representation of Native America exists and thrives. If that means we’re combating cultural appropriation while just being true to ourselves, then that’s a bonus.”
You can see more of Bethany’s work on her website, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
About the Author:
Madelyn Chung
Madelyn Chung is the editor of StyleList Canada, and a self-professed shopaholic and fashion/beauty/pop culture junkie. A graduate of Ryerson University’s School of Journalism, Madelyn’s past stints include Lifestyle Editor at MSN.ca and Associate Editor of Digital Marketing at Rogers Digital Media. In her spare time, you can find Madelyn live-tweeting during TV shows, jamming on the piano and ukelele, and indulging in some good eats around the city.
When you were little, were you afraid of the dark? Most of us were. And I doubt we ever thought to question this fear. We were almost naturally taught to be afraid of the dark, because the dark is full of unknown things that might hurt us.
But what usually happened when you turned the light on? You learned the unknown things were not so scary. And they were not so unknown. They were just part of the environment.
We learned to associate darkness with scary and unknown, and we learned it’s better not to speak with our dark thoughts and emotions. Turning the light on our emotional shadow is a lot more challenging than flicking a physical light switch on. So we avoid it. Superficiality is easier. But this darkness of our soul has a life of its own which thrives, whether or not we choose to acknowledge it. It’s there, and it’s powerful.
Understanding Darkness
This fear of our emotional complexity grew as we grew, and with time became our shadow. It’s a hidden part in us that influences our choices more often than we are aware.
In truth, much effort goes into repressing and hiding it from ourselves and others. It’s our dark side. The parts we are ashamed and afraid to show. But through denial, we fail to see that in the obscurity of darkness also lay our strengths.
For reasons originating in the past, we have decided to negate and hide this dark side without exploring it further. And so in return it keeps us distant from truly expressing ourselves.
In many ways, hiding our shadow can be considered the highest form of betrayal. By concealing this part of us, we are saying we don’t deserve to show our complete selves, thereby betraying ourselves. In return, secrecy, manipulation, and pretending take over large parts of our lives from fear of being ‘exposed’ and rejected for the part of ourself we are hiding.
As mentioned, our shadow can show itself as weakness or strength. Becoming aware of our complete self allows us an opportunity for expressing strength. Ignoring these qualities, however, will always produce a damaging result.
The more we repress these dark corners of our being, the more we face disorder in our personality. This can manifest as addiction, anxiety, intentionally failed relationships or jobs, or other behaviors that cause destruction to ourselves and others.
To become aware of our shadow is to shed light on our earliest wounds and to give ourselves a chance for healing and transformation. But as long as we choose to close our eyes to this, the wounds will continue to decay while emitting poison into our lives.
To Deepen Our Spirituality, We Must Pass Through the Shadow
Any spiritual work must entail exposure and understanding of our shadow. Solely focusing on finding our light keeps us away from places of shame, guilt, jealousy, greed, competition, lust and aggression. But it is these very emotions that must be worked through first before coming near our lighter sides.
Even certain spiritual practices like meditation can become difficult when we try to ignore our shadow self. Its repression shows up when we shut our eyes, and we’re left with only our thoughts.
As with all strong emotions, what we don’t want to look at always keeps us contracted and in rejection. Deep down we know these qualities and feelings reside in us, and hiding them leads us to a life of inauthenticity and sometimes incomprehensible self-destructive behavior.
If our shadow is not acknowledged and embraced, the depth of our spiritual and personal growth is limited. Denying to look at the darkness is rejecting ourselves the need to be received in totality by others.
We start to overidentify with the side of ourself acquired through our own perception of reality. This in turn shapes our personality, the superficial side of us, which the world meets.
Our roles and personality try their best to help us feel worthy and lovable. For some, it is by being intelligent, successful, and powerful while for others it is the opposite. In whichever way our personality tries to control life, it remains just another attempt to be loved for something we know we’re not.
As long as this partial picture of ourselves is kept intact, we create separation. The message is “I don’t want to look and feel certain parts inside me and I prefer to judge others for showing and living what I choose to reject”, hence choosing separation, inside and out. It is a painful cage of continuous isolation.
Embracing The Complete You
The way to our light is through darkness. Whether we want it or not, the dark side in us is very active even though it is concealed and not evident to the outside. But we know it’s there, continuously asking for recognition.
The shadow should be met in a safe and loving environment. Otherwise, it is too afraid that its face will cause devastation and result in further isolation. When it’s safe we can start looking, seeing, and expressing what has been hidden from our awareness.
There are many unpolished diamonds of strength, creativity, and beauty, which we’ve kept limited so that others close don’t feel small, intimidated or scared. Speaking to our shadow is an immense step towards healing and self-love.
Initially, when we embark on this exciting and necessary journey, we may not be sure who we really are. But this is only because we are so used to our masks that expressing our true self is like meeting a familiar stranger. Soon new possibilities, choices and, perceptions appear.
Suddenly we can face the many question marks in our life from a place of strength and authenticity. We strengthen our capacity to be in this world more fully and completely. So, are you ready?
About the author:
Milan Karmeli is a psychosomatic therapist and facilitator of group workshops. He specializes in counseling, childhood/primal trauma healing, breath therapy, and bioenergetics. Milan’s love and passion is to live by truth, and to help others remove all illusion of separation through his work.
Check out his website: Milankarmeli.com via Collective Evolution
I have been wanting to write this Empath guide for such a very long time. I wanted to be brutally honest and thorough. I did not want to leave anything out. I had no idea when I started this intention how much this was going to impact my life personally. As I have been trying to gather the words I was flooded every time with emotions, stories, images, feelings, thoughts and experiences from my past that kept me frozen in my feelings about what it means to be a highly sensitive person. I feel like it has been one of the most defining aspects of my life up until now. The main feelings that come to the surface when I connect to the “frozen” feeling that I was describing, would be powerlessness and self doubt. These were the most dominant feelings from my past, relative to the concept of being a highly sensitive Empath. Read more!