Lina Boldt | Ascension Lifestyle

07 Mar 2016
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Facing Your Demons – Are You Ready or Still Cheating?

It’s been rough, I get it.

Challenge after challenge thrown at you at the most inappropriate moments.

Everything that you try to fix and get straight is sabotaged and made more difficult by a dozen new things that threaten to make your life fall apart.

Except it is constantly broken down and falling apart anyway, and the more you try to fix and control, the more painful it gets.
The thing is, this is going to last a while – the condition of being somewhat in limbo. It’s a breaking up, down and through – on all ends, in pretty much every area in life you could think of.

Why is it happening and what causes this feeling of tremendous tension, urgency and downright sledge-hammer pressure on your soul?

You’ve been hiding and escaping, that’s why. Because you’ve been buying into your past conditioning for too long, *but* smart as you are: you became aware of it. Greatness!

Why the heck the adversity then, and being on the brink to madness and losing your mind time and again? You’re doing the damn work! You’re growing and evolving – thank you very much!

Here’s the thing: Even growth-wise there is a plethora of ways to cheat.

All those new-agey “love&light” folks are cheating. The coaches who only post their neat memes and never mention that they fuck up and struggle a lot, are cheating. Those who made it through a ton of heavy duty terror and use it as an excuse for not being able to find fulfilment and success (but hey, they survived and that’s an achievement in itself)…. Yes, kind of true, but also cheating.

If you hide from the life that’s got your name written on it, if you ignore the calling because it’s terrifying and feels too big (that’s the common thing with callings, bummer!) – what do you expect your life to be like then?

Truth is you’re restricted and confined by limits you set for yourself. By making excuses that you invented and uttered so often that they became second nature and your ultimate “truth”.

As the Universe and nature have it, you’re an orgasmic being with a perfectly crafted heart, mind and body. There’s no initial intention of the higher forces for you to wallow in fear, self-pitty and excuses.

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I get it, what’s calling you seems to be horrendously big.

It makes you feel too small and too weak to do it, but if you pierce through the veil of denial, fear and overwhelm you see something different: You’re embarrassed because your hunger feels like an insatiable one, like you’re demanding, greedy and too much.

Because wanting what you want is not appropriate.

You’ve been taught to be giving, considerate, moderate, average, invisible. Don’t cause trouble, don’t bother others with your shit. Do your work and be fucking grateful for your existence.

But tucking away your truth, your hunger and desires won’t help you maintain gratitude.

Being quiet and cheating on the real, big and terrifying transformation that’s actually possible won’t get you a halo and a badge for being the nicest and most appreciated person. That’s wannabe-level. That’s playing it safe.

Once your desire is sparked and you’re not able to overhear your soul’s whisper (that turned into an ear-deafening call meanwhile) any longer, you won’t find serenity and peace without allowing to be pulled on your very heart strings onto the path that’s yours.

Hiding is not part of it. And staying small-ish and quiet isn’t either.

Many people mourn and complain these days, feel unwell, drained and uninspired. They get severely sick, injured or otherwise held in check by their physical condition.

It’s a common phenomenon. And it’s not your body that fucks you up in the meanest ways: It’s your psyche – the servant of soul – that stops you in your tracks and develops all kinds of ailments.

Because you didn’t listen otherwise. There’ve been tons of nudges, signs and messages for you – everywhere. But you were busy looking away. It didn’t match your level of comfort.

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I have a few words of comfort though, or maybe even the impulse you need to get moving:

Comfort is not sustainable and it isn’t a thing to pursue anymore. Whatever comfort you’re seeking – this year it’ll get ripped off of you as quickly as you tried to use it to patch up the holes on your soul.

Let them show and let the light in through them. Any external comfort, and any internal comfort as well (like lying to yourself with positive affirmations that you just don’t succeed to buy into anyway) – it holds you back, it makes you heavy and slow.

I’m actually terrified myself, writing this to you. This is nothing I’ve deliberately put in a smooth, catchy and articulate paragraph, this is coming through me from a place outside of me.

And the message is valid for me, too. So of course I’m thinking:
“Argh, what does this mean for me? Anything about to get taken away from me? No playing small, no hiding? Damn. Sounds like work! But I’m tired!”

But I don’t really have a choice, and you haven’t either. That is, if you are determined to grow, stretch, expand and transform. If you are dedicated to bust through shame, fear and constrictions.

This is not about some tweaks in your everyday life.

This is about the deep, scary and yucky stuff. About the things that have tremendous power over you while you can’t even name them.

Right now, right here, looking into your phone, computer, whatever….. Take a breath and feel it. It’s there, it want’s your attention. It’s wanted your attention since lifetimes. Do you want to drag it around for another round and suffer some more?

If yes, I totally get it. I’m into suffering big-time myself. I’m very passionate, too, which is basically the same as being a bad-ass skilled sufferer.

The term itself has its root in the Latin word “passio” (I have 5 years hardcore Latin under my belt, so I tell you this without even straining Google and trying to look smart^^). So, here you go: “Passio” means “suffering”.

I can really get off on suffering. And many times I let it swallow me.

But there are other times when I’m having these very lucid moments, not polluted by anyone’s well-meant advice or judgement, nor by my own small-mindedness.

These moments have been more frequent and I have a strong desire to share this with you, to remind you that you do have the power to create whatever you please. The power to conquer and transform whatever is weighing you down.

Yes, that demon of yours may be huge – and that’s exactly why you want to face it and make it your ally instead of your enemy.

Much creative energy and power is sitting there in the dark. Do you want to waste it or taste it?

You can escape into all kinds of stuff that keep your mind and body busy.

Sex, food, substances, sleep… even chanting mantras or any kind of physical or spiritual practice can be a mere distraction, if used to suppress unpleasant feelings, memories and patterns from coming up. It’s not healing then, but escapism.

I’ve recently had a ‘very spiritual’ person telling me: “Why would I do this to myself – revisiting this painful episode from my past? I don’t want to feel this way. I want to bring healing and joy.”

With that said, they got busy practicing, singing, and giving advice regarding dealing with shadow to others.
Funny, innit?

I’m all for facing your shit and dealing with it. For telling your story. Saying it out loud. Telling it again. Repeating your excuses, over and over again until you find them hilarious yourself and *snap* a part of you no longer is tied up with this crap. Getting off on your suffering. Alchemizing it.

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I do this, too. I’ve stopped counting the times I referred to my own fucked up past. It makes for killer excuses, great stories and makes me look almost invincible, and definitely powerful and bad-ass.

I noticed how the old story loses its power over me, though. It’s a process and I’m impatient, but I see how it’s started shifting.

The story doesn’t cease to be true, but my role in it changes. I can tell it as a victim or from an empowered perspective. And it doesn’t define me. I can create something new.

I’m not a saint. I’m broken-winged and still healing myself. But I stand up for myself and I stopped being invisible (disobeying what I was taught to be) some time back. It’s been worth the anxiety and panic attacks.

Strength comes from a willingness to expose your darkest and weakest spots to the light.

I want to be surrounded by people who don’t just “have faith”, but are also genuinely interested in getting their lives together, taking responsibility and stop being co-dependent and attached to their misery or starving artist image.

You are confined only by the limits you impose upon yourself. I already said it, but it’s so important, it deserves to be said over and over again.

Some questions that I’m pondering and that I want to share with you:

What if you challenged those limits?

What would you have to let go of?

What would you gain?

And where would it take you?

You are so much more than you think. Dormant potential and ecstasy.

Get honest with yourself – is now the time?

About the Author:

Lina Boldt is a mentor and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her website Disobey With Grace or facebook, where she also hosts a group for rebels and messy souls.

14 Nov 2015
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The Lesson Repeats as Needed – Organic Transformation aka Learning Things the Hard Way

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Lessons repeat as needed.

You know, these situations when you think – damn, I’ve been here before. Sometimes you’ve been in that place even several times.

So why does this madness repeat? It’s not meeting you at the same old level of awareness and evolution. You’ve made quite some progress in the meantime. Look closer: It’s not exactly the same, right?

To level up, add trust and openness. Like, the ‘heart cracked wide open’ kind of openness. Things will change quickly, avalanches of insight will fall into your heart.

The moment you switch your head off things get more dangerous and – paradoxically enough – safer than you could ever wish for. You hand yourself over to invisible hands.

Faith. You get still and listen. It’s like an exam. To pass it you need to apply what you have learned so far. The night is darkest right before dawn. It might feel and look like everything’s over, no way out.

But there is always a way out, many ways even. And your task is to find the one that’s most aligned with your calling, your spiritual skills, with your SOUL ultimately.

It’s the nature of the Phoenix, you fall, you burn and die (a little or a lot, it depends, you never know beforehand), and then you soar, purified, stronger, you soar higher than ever before.

Hint: Next time therefore you’ll probably fall deeper, but your soul will be wiser and stronger, you’ll manage to navigate the next Phoenix-cycle, like you were able to deal with those in the past.

Your evolution isn’t linear, it has ups and downs, and it’s a labyrinthine route, steep, and meandering, spiraling upwards in changing pace. The spiraling nature is what gets you to the point where you think you’ve just returned to ‘Go’.

You think you’ve tackled shame once and for all and then it comes back, washing over you worse than ever before, on such a deep level, you feel like you’ll never work your way towards the light again. Not in this lifetime.

Or Jealousy? Fear of rejection? Recurring scarcity? Grief? All these “issues” make you feel like you’re isolated from the world, seeing everything through blackened glass, not able to participate in the blissful, carefree life “out there”.

Craving connection, a sense of belonging. And yet consumed with the lonely business of working through your shadows.

There are glimpses of light, of Enlightenment even. But you’ve signed up for a thorough field trip through the minefield of the human soul.

It sucks. But it’s serving you, it enables you to get you to a place where you finally experience wholeness, Oneness. You are not a separate being.

Things sometimes (often) feel pretty frustrating, especially if you’re like me – a rebel (with extremely thin skin, though), coming with fancy features like a shit ton of stubbornness and refusal, but the willingness to move forward and learn to grow into the things that are calling me.

That’s a very organic approach to transformative learning. We have to feel things out, get our hands dirty and our hearts and egos broken to learn, to have the lessons really sink in.

By experiencing everything yourself, with all your senses, bruises, broken wings and all, you gain wisdom that others never will access, because they didn’t want to dig into the dirt.

You’re not a pseudo-awakened spirit, you’re a real Soul-Alchemist. You know how to work and play hard, how to fall deep and how to get back up. Again and again and again and…. You get the picture.

You try to make yourself comfortable in the discomfort, in the realm of paradox which is characteristic for the thing we call human existence. It’s an illusion, Maya, a thousand truths but none of them is real.

It’s a cosmic game. To play a game that has no rules is tricky. It could be so easy: No rules – no mistakes. Nope. That would be boring. The Universe likes exciting twists, sudden turns, magic, terror and wonder.

We are made to FEEL. And, to tell you a secret, in private, there is one hidden rule underneath the no-rule premise: Keep going. Keep getting up, crawl if you must.

I don’t mean in a physical way, quite the opposite. Rest is vital to this journey. You need time to integrate, you can’t always run on full steam. Believe me, I’m someone who’s often persistently trying to do just that – can’t recommend it… Working on quitting this harmful habit.

But don’t ever stop exploring, don’t stop growing. Don’t settle.

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I’ve got an example of organic transformation from my own latest experience for you (work in progress, of course):

I’ve been asked to be patient and wait until a magical date with destiny – literally. It felt like forever and I often felt like turning around and call this waiting game quits. I’ve been in this situation a few times before – the lesson repeats as needed, you know….

In the past I didn’t manage to endure the tension of the wait, I got angry, mistrusted the process, ran from it, deeply hurt and frustrated.

What I thought I’d learned was that I had to protect my heart and soul even more fiercely, to block out any attempts of people trying to get in touch with me. Too dangerous, too painful, too straining.

Meanwhile it’s a mere few weeks from now until the long desired re-union. I’ve waited and prepared for this moment what feels like my entire life, I’ve manifested a connection that suddenly fell from the heavens, divinely orchestrated.

I got the whole package, including testing and probing, challenges – how far will I go, how bad do I really want it? How serious am I? How mature in my approach? Triggers were fired at me, buttons were pushed,

I raged, mourned, cried.The lesson, yeah. Damn. I’ve made a vow to never go through this again.

And to get me into this place where my soul is being pulled that strongly – I didn’t believe this was possible. It would take an extraordinarily deep bond, one that I couldn’t deny and fight, no matter how much I resisted.

Well, this bond actually does exist, this connection haunted me even in my dreams. No way I could ignore it. I’ve tried, of course, I remembered my vow!

Then I started pondering what the lesson might be. I had wished for such an encounter, I knew it existed, I felt it for so many years. But I also was scared. And again there were obstacles in the way.

This time I chose to trust the process, to use it as catalyst for transformation. I worked on past trauma and deep scars, on trust, openness and surrender, radical acceptance.

It was like a fire, burning everything that doesn’t serve me anymore, it’s working quick. Just to make me discover that underneath the issues there are deeper things to be released. Growth is a never-ending story.*sigh*

So there I was, with waterfalls of liquid fire in my belly, bursting into fireworks. Energetic short circuits on a daily basis, palpable electricity, increasingly so, the closer I got to the magical date.

Temporary total breakdown and exhaustion. Hard to hold space for such a powerful connection. Not even being asked, just having it washing over me. It’s not about me, by the way, it’s about something way bigger, the heart of hearts. Spiritual Alchemy.

My ego got grinded and burned, until I was standing in the biting cold. Naked, clueless. Not able to keep up all the defensiveness and resistance. “So this is how it starts?”, I asked.
“Yes.”

I saw codes of the matrix running on the ceiling, in my hands, like sand in an hourglass. Losing matter and reality, seeing them run through my fingers. Time stopped.

I got hints and keywords along the way. My soul spoke to me clearly. Letting Go. Alignment. Exploring my Darkside. Self-Love. Surrender. And a few more.

This was the work of almost two very intense years. I did the best to get it right, to keep up with the pace that was demanded. I was fierce. My energetic and physical body got a makeover, refinement, my skin got even thinner – massive sensitivity.

Now daylight hurts. I’m reading other people’s souls as I walk by. If I want to escape the craze, close my eyes, it gets even worse. Visions, messages, entire downloads, I’m chased and surrounded by spirit beings. I stuff my ears, cover my eyes – in vain.

I’m scared by all the intensity. The unfathomable truths that peak through Maya – illusion. Accessing universal consciousness, being pulled in a dozen different directions at the same time, trying to hold all that shit together without getting dissolved in the process, without losing my mind.

I want to scream, I want to wake up. But I can’t, I’ve woken up to the fact that I’m dreaming a long time back.

There are layers. Dreams inside of dreams, black holes, rabbit holes, you never know where and when you reach the surface again, Maybe never? My mind gets dizzy just writing this. Can anyone understand? Does anyone see it, too?

My soul is bursting in hysterical and equally pleased laughter. YES. That’s exactly what it wants for me. That’s what I’m here for to endure, to grow into.

I often feel like I can’t. It’s impossible. But I continue stumbling forward. One step in front of the other. My knees weak, my heart racing.

And if you ask me where I’m going, I answer with shaking voice: I’m being called, that’s the only thing I know for sure. The calling is ear-deafening. And I meet others along the way, like you, blinded, golden at heart. Lighthouses, messengers, guardians.

I’m about to connect with one. A magic fusion. I’m scared. Of course. I’m a pro in being scared, in case you haven’t noticed yet. I’m also excited. I have nothing to lose, except my mind. But on the path I’m called to go, we all are called to go, the mind is but a tool.

It’s a soul-path.

Intuition is the compass, and the invisible hand is pulling the strings to get us safely where we’re meant to be. Did I mention that I’m allergic to strings?

Every time I hit a low I think “I can’t do this anymore, I’m tired, have mercy, it’s so hard to fall down and climb back up time and again!”

And suddenly, out of nowhere and when I expect it the least, a bout of strength gets unleashed in my heart, I get up and do what I can best, trust that somehow I’ll be safe, somehow everything will make sense eventually.

And on I stumble, with sore feet, singed wings and tear-stained skin.
Carry on.

That’s what I’m here to tell you: Carry on.
You’re strong. You can do this. You have the capacity to stand the confusion and pain, to metabolize ashes to sparks of divine light.

Keep going, crawl, if you must. It’s the only rule of the game. You know what’s demanded of you. And you know that it’s demanded of you, BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE.

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We’d love hear your stories of transformation. Join the conversation in the comments below.

About the Author:

Lina Boldt is a seeker, healer and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her newly born website Disobey With Grace or on facebook, where you can also join her group of non-conformists and messy souls.