Lessons repeat as needed.
You know, these situations when you think – damn, I’ve been here before. Sometimes you’ve been in that place even several times.
So why does this madness repeat? It’s not meeting you at the same old level of awareness and evolution. You’ve made quite some progress in the meantime. Look closer: It’s not exactly the same, right?
To level up, add trust and openness. Like, the ‘heart cracked wide open’ kind of openness. Things will change quickly, avalanches of insight will fall into your heart.
The moment you switch your head off things get more dangerous and – paradoxically enough – safer than you could ever wish for. You hand yourself over to invisible hands.
Faith. You get still and listen. It’s like an exam. To pass it you need to apply what you have learned so far. The night is darkest right before dawn. It might feel and look like everything’s over, no way out.
But there is always a way out, many ways even. And your task is to find the one that’s most aligned with your calling, your spiritual skills, with your SOUL ultimately.
It’s the nature of the Phoenix, you fall, you burn and die (a little or a lot, it depends, you never know beforehand), and then you soar, purified, stronger, you soar higher than ever before.
Hint: Next time therefore you’ll probably fall deeper, but your soul will be wiser and stronger, you’ll manage to navigate the next Phoenix-cycle, like you were able to deal with those in the past.
Your evolution isn’t linear, it has ups and downs, and it’s a labyrinthine route, steep, and meandering, spiraling upwards in changing pace. The spiraling nature is what gets you to the point where you think you’ve just returned to ‘Go’.
You think you’ve tackled shame once and for all and then it comes back, washing over you worse than ever before, on such a deep level, you feel like you’ll never work your way towards the light again. Not in this lifetime.
Or Jealousy? Fear of rejection? Recurring scarcity? Grief? All these “issues” make you feel like you’re isolated from the world, seeing everything through blackened glass, not able to participate in the blissful, carefree life “out there”.
Craving connection, a sense of belonging. And yet consumed with the lonely business of working through your shadows.
There are glimpses of light, of Enlightenment even. But you’ve signed up for a thorough field trip through the minefield of the human soul.
It sucks. But it’s serving you, it enables you to get you to a place where you finally experience wholeness, Oneness. You are not a separate being.
Things sometimes (often) feel pretty frustrating, especially if you’re like me – a rebel (with extremely thin skin, though), coming with fancy features like a shit ton of stubbornness and refusal, but the willingness to move forward and learn to grow into the things that are calling me.
That’s a very organic approach to transformative learning. We have to feel things out, get our hands dirty and our hearts and egos broken to learn, to have the lessons really sink in.
By experiencing everything yourself, with all your senses, bruises, broken wings and all, you gain wisdom that others never will access, because they didn’t want to dig into the dirt.
You’re not a pseudo-awakened spirit, you’re a real Soul-Alchemist. You know how to work and play hard, how to fall deep and how to get back up. Again and again and again and…. You get the picture.
You try to make yourself comfortable in the discomfort, in the realm of paradox which is characteristic for the thing we call human existence. It’s an illusion, Maya, a thousand truths but none of them is real.
It’s a cosmic game. To play a game that has no rules is tricky. It could be so easy: No rules – no mistakes. Nope. That would be boring. The Universe likes exciting twists, sudden turns, magic, terror and wonder.
We are made to FEEL. And, to tell you a secret, in private, there is one hidden rule underneath the no-rule premise: Keep going. Keep getting up, crawl if you must.
I don’t mean in a physical way, quite the opposite. Rest is vital to this journey. You need time to integrate, you can’t always run on full steam. Believe me, I’m someone who’s often persistently trying to do just that – can’t recommend it… Working on quitting this harmful habit.
But don’t ever stop exploring, don’t stop growing. Don’t settle.
I’ve got an example of organic transformation from my own latest experience for you (work in progress, of course):
I’ve been asked to be patient and wait until a magical date with destiny – literally. It felt like forever and I often felt like turning around and call this waiting game quits. I’ve been in this situation a few times before – the lesson repeats as needed, you know….
In the past I didn’t manage to endure the tension of the wait, I got angry, mistrusted the process, ran from it, deeply hurt and frustrated.
What I thought I’d learned was that I had to protect my heart and soul even more fiercely, to block out any attempts of people trying to get in touch with me. Too dangerous, too painful, too straining.
Meanwhile it’s a mere few weeks from now until the long desired re-union. I’ve waited and prepared for this moment what feels like my entire life, I’ve manifested a connection that suddenly fell from the heavens, divinely orchestrated.
I got the whole package, including testing and probing, challenges – how far will I go, how bad do I really want it? How serious am I? How mature in my approach? Triggers were fired at me, buttons were pushed,
I raged, mourned, cried.The lesson, yeah. Damn. I’ve made a vow to never go through this again.
And to get me into this place where my soul is being pulled that strongly – I didn’t believe this was possible. It would take an extraordinarily deep bond, one that I couldn’t deny and fight, no matter how much I resisted.
Well, this bond actually does exist, this connection haunted me even in my dreams. No way I could ignore it. I’ve tried, of course, I remembered my vow!
Then I started pondering what the lesson might be. I had wished for such an encounter, I knew it existed, I felt it for so many years. But I also was scared. And again there were obstacles in the way.
This time I chose to trust the process, to use it as catalyst for transformation. I worked on past trauma and deep scars, on trust, openness and surrender, radical acceptance.
It was like a fire, burning everything that doesn’t serve me anymore, it’s working quick. Just to make me discover that underneath the issues there are deeper things to be released. Growth is a never-ending story.*sigh*
So there I was, with waterfalls of liquid fire in my belly, bursting into fireworks. Energetic short circuits on a daily basis, palpable electricity, increasingly so, the closer I got to the magical date.
Temporary total breakdown and exhaustion. Hard to hold space for such a powerful connection. Not even being asked, just having it washing over me. It’s not about me, by the way, it’s about something way bigger, the heart of hearts. Spiritual Alchemy.
My ego got grinded and burned, until I was standing in the biting cold. Naked, clueless. Not able to keep up all the defensiveness and resistance. “So this is how it starts?”, I asked.
I saw codes of the matrix running on the ceiling, in my hands, like sand in an hourglass. Losing matter and reality, seeing them run through my fingers. Time stopped.
I got hints and keywords along the way. My soul spoke to me clearly. Letting Go. Alignment. Exploring my Darkside. Self-Love. Surrender. And a few more.
This was the work of almost two very intense years. I did the best to get it right, to keep up with the pace that was demanded. I was fierce. My energetic and physical body got a makeover, refinement, my skin got even thinner – massive sensitivity.
Now daylight hurts. I’m reading other people’s souls as I walk by. If I want to escape the craze, close my eyes, it gets even worse. Visions, messages, entire downloads, I’m chased and surrounded by spirit beings. I stuff my ears, cover my eyes – in vain.
I’m scared by all the intensity. The unfathomable truths that peak through Maya – illusion. Accessing universal consciousness, being pulled in a dozen different directions at the same time, trying to hold all that shit together without getting dissolved in the process, without losing my mind.
I want to scream, I want to wake up. But I can’t, I’ve woken up to the fact that I’m dreaming a long time back.
There are layers. Dreams inside of dreams, black holes, rabbit holes, you never know where and when you reach the surface again, Maybe never? My mind gets dizzy just writing this. Can anyone understand? Does anyone see it, too?
My soul is bursting in hysterical and equally pleased laughter. YES. That’s exactly what it wants for me. That’s what I’m here for to endure, to grow into.
I often feel like I can’t. It’s impossible. But I continue stumbling forward. One step in front of the other. My knees weak, my heart racing.
And if you ask me where I’m going, I answer with shaking voice: I’m being called, that’s the only thing I know for sure. The calling is ear-deafening. And I meet others along the way, like you, blinded, golden at heart. Lighthouses, messengers, guardians.
I’m about to connect with one. A magic fusion. I’m scared. Of course. I’m a pro in being scared, in case you haven’t noticed yet. I’m also excited. I have nothing to lose, except my mind. But on the path I’m called to go, we all are called to go, the mind is but a tool.
It’s a soul-path.
Intuition is the compass, and the invisible hand is pulling the strings to get us safely where we’re meant to be. Did I mention that I’m allergic to strings?
Every time I hit a low I think “I can’t do this anymore, I’m tired, have mercy, it’s so hard to fall down and climb back up time and again!”
And suddenly, out of nowhere and when I expect it the least, a bout of strength gets unleashed in my heart, I get up and do what I can best, trust that somehow I’ll be safe, somehow everything will make sense eventually.
And on I stumble, with sore feet, singed wings and tear-stained skin.
That’s what I’m here to tell you: Carry on.
You’re strong. You can do this. You have the capacity to stand the confusion and pain, to metabolize ashes to sparks of divine light.
Keep going, crawl, if you must. It’s the only rule of the game. You know what’s demanded of you. And you know that it’s demanded of you, BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE.
We’d love hear your stories of transformation. Join the conversation in the comments below.
About the Author:
Lina Boldt is a seeker, healer and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her newly born website Disobey With Grace or on facebook, where you can also join her group of non-conformists and messy souls.