You know, your soul has signed up for a lifetime of being fused. Purgatory.
Phoenix souls disobey many natural laws. They fall, they die, they resurrect and soar, stronger than before. Knowing they’re going to die over and over again. It’s insane and not for the faint of heart.
But having those magical phoenix traits, you’re aware of your depth and strength. You can handle your mission. You can stand to look into the abyss, sensing the heat that’s going to kill you, with terror in your eyes, your ears ringing, heart racing, knees shaking, tears pouring down your cheeks – knowing that it will happen.
Well, of course there is something like a choice for you. There is always an alternative, even with your back against a wall, you’ll still find a way out, a plan B.
But if you refuse to be fused, it will get worse even. The pangs of yearning in your soul, the awareness of what you can be and of what is actually calling you, the anguish of denial, that doesn’t let you sleep at night… because you can hear it. You are called.
You know your truth. The truth. The whispers have been with you since the day your senses started working. The terror won’t stop, it will push you towards the edge, mercylessly. You can make it a slower and more straining process, but the flames are inevitable.
Don’t be stupid, just think of the countless times you’ve been burning. Of course it’s terrible.
But what’s the alternative, really? Running through life, with your hands before your eyes, pretending to be invisible: “I can’t see you, so you can’t see me!” Is that what you’ve burnt and died for a zillion times before? To try your hardest to put things on hold this time?
Yes, you are tired. Yes, it sucks. It’s freaking unfair. Why not pass the ball to somebody else? Taking a well-deserved time out.
It could have been so nice: you’ve imagined yourself staying in that lovely bubble of predictability and safety (aka your comfort zone). You did everything you could to avoid things that could have you waking up.
Blinders, earplugs, TV, addictions, friends who are asleep themselves, keeping yourself busy with stupid boring dayjobs, with attempts to be perfect and to juggle all the masks you’ve taken on over time.
You tried to starve your soul, that sucker. It never shuts up! It constantly made you wake up with that hollow feeling in your tummy, that feeling that something was essentially off. “I don’t see you – you don’t see me! Lalalalalaaaahh!”
But there is some serious magical stuff going on in your environment which is beyond your capacity to control. ‘External triggers’.
Oh the joy and the giggles, that sound – like a million little bells – through the entire Universe. Synchronicity. Magical encounters. “Coincidences”. Catalysts. Soul-shaking Awakening.
And you can’t resist it. It washes over you. It pulls you into depth, darkness, fire, it drowns your bullshit in love and digs out your gold from places you’ve never known existed.
Damn, and there it happened again: You find yourself in the flames, screaming. Although you’ve been there so often, you still hate the “shit, I’m dying in the flames again”-part.
Yes, after the burning it’s so obvious how blessed you are for having such a fiery and strong soul. How much needed it’s been to shed some old layers of crap again.
Even the “wow, I’m soaring, like always after death”-part is an ambiguous event: You feel the refinement, the increased focus and energy, your magical oomph is deeper, louder, more magnetic.
If you make the mistake to buy into the stuff your mind is making up, even the rising can be awkward. The doubting whether you’ve just gone crazy, the fear of soon finding yourself in a straightjacket. The not believing you can do this. The fear of owning your power.
“What power?”, you ask.
Well, start with the power of braving the fire. Of harnessing the elements on your behalf to work potent magic in the world. The power to direct energy and attention in ways that alter reality for you and for others. The power to cut through the BS and see the big picture of things. The power to tear up illusions.
“Really? I can do this? But how? Are you kidding?”
By using the courage and strength that you gained with every survival, every conscious choice of death and resurrection, like it’s the most common thing in the world.
It is, by the way, but most muggles don’t ever get there, you can’t do this when you’re sleeping. You can’t dream it to make it happen, you have to fucking show up and do it.
That’s what you’ve always done. You kind of forgot about it. This was for your protection. Are you ready to remember your power? Are you ready to use it?
That magic wand you crafted yourself? It wasn’t just for fun. The crystals you’ve always carried with you because they made you feel better? Not coincidental at all. The pull towards the stars, and studying the planets? Makes sense. The feeling of your chest expanding to the point of physical pain? That’s the space that contains your shining soul, and with it the capacity and the urge to love. Not just a bit, but fully, whole-soul, divine love of All-That-Is.
Notice something? The closer you look at it, the more the puzzle of your oh-so confused life becomes an image of magic and purpose. Those triggers that you used to hate? The pangs of Awakening? Divinely orchestrated to get you the fuck over your fear.
The experiences you’ve had – that’s the fabric others write novels about. That’s true for the terror and the miracles you’ve encountered. Your soul is holding the Universe together. Don’t you think it’s about time to honor that and contribute with all you’ve got, everything you’ve learned instead of remaining in denial, just because you’re scared of the fire still?
You unite the elements in your heart, alchemized to gold. Sprinkle it everywhere, goddamnit. It’s there, it’s you.
Get the fuck over your endless overthinking and doubting the good things. You’re a magical and powerful soul.
Your resistance isn’t a bad thing in general, though. It made you get through the blaze unharmed and stronger than before. It made you hold on to life, over and over again.
But look, you’re filled to the brim with magic, you have to put it somewhere, otherwise you explode. Or implode. Both scenarios don’t sound very alluring or desirable. This all is energy, don’t waste it. You’re on fire. Share it, turn up the heat, let the gold flow over. Create, share, be magic. Because that’s what you are.
You’re magic, through and through. Don’t break our hearts by refusing to be it, to be you.
It might look like life the way you knew it is about to collapse and fall apart. You have no clue what this all means and it feels kind of scary.
Trust that something enormous and magnificient is about to emerge, and it is going to fill the void that you’re in right now. Remember: enormous and magnificient like your soul defines it, not the way you expect it or wish for it.
Be open for a major shift. Go with it. You will be engulfed, it will be terrifying and amazing. You will survive and be spit out a different person. You’ll get there. And it will be so worth it.
There are cracks filled with light, you’re a work in progress. You never could imagine how things will turn out. Trust, sweet soul! This is happening for you.
Your time is *now*.
Lina Boldt is a seeker, healer and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate.