It’s been rough, I get it.
Challenge after challenge thrown at you at the most inappropriate moments.
Everything that you try to fix and get straight is sabotaged and made more difficult by a dozen new things that threaten to make your life fall apart.
Except it is constantly broken down and falling apart anyway, and the more you try to fix and control, the more painful it gets.
The thing is, this is going to last a while – the condition of being somewhat in limbo. It’s a breaking up, down and through – on all ends, in pretty much every area in life you could think of.
Why is it happening and what causes this feeling of tremendous tension, urgency and downright sledge-hammer pressure on your soul?
You’ve been hiding and escaping, that’s why. Because you’ve been buying into your past conditioning for too long, *but* smart as you are: you became aware of it. Greatness!
Why the heck the adversity then, and being on the brink to madness and losing your mind time and again? You’re doing the damn work! You’re growing and evolving – thank you very much!
Here’s the thing: Even growth-wise there is a plethora of ways to cheat.
All those new-agey “love&light” folks are cheating. The coaches who only post their neat memes and never mention that they fuck up and struggle a lot, are cheating. Those who made it through a ton of heavy duty terror and use it as an excuse for not being able to find fulfilment and success (but hey, they survived and that’s an achievement in itself)…. Yes, kind of true, but also cheating.
If you hide from the life that’s got your name written on it, if you ignore the calling because it’s terrifying and feels too big (that’s the common thing with callings, bummer!) – what do you expect your life to be like then?
Truth is you’re restricted and confined by limits you set for yourself. By making excuses that you invented and uttered so often that they became second nature and your ultimate “truth”.
As the Universe and nature have it, you’re an orgasmic being with a perfectly crafted heart, mind and body. There’s no initial intention of the higher forces for you to wallow in fear, self-pitty and excuses.
I get it, what’s calling you seems to be horrendously big.
It makes you feel too small and too weak to do it, but if you pierce through the veil of denial, fear and overwhelm you see something different: You’re embarrassed because your hunger feels like an insatiable one, like you’re demanding, greedy and too much.
Because wanting what you want is not appropriate.
You’ve been taught to be giving, considerate, moderate, average, invisible. Don’t cause trouble, don’t bother others with your shit. Do your work and be fucking grateful for your existence.
But tucking away your truth, your hunger and desires won’t help you maintain gratitude.
Being quiet and cheating on the real, big and terrifying transformation that’s actually possible won’t get you a halo and a badge for being the nicest and most appreciated person. That’s wannabe-level. That’s playing it safe.
Once your desire is sparked and you’re not able to overhear your soul’s whisper (that turned into an ear-deafening call meanwhile) any longer, you won’t find serenity and peace without allowing to be pulled on your very heart strings onto the path that’s yours.
Hiding is not part of it. And staying small-ish and quiet isn’t either.
Many people mourn and complain these days, feel unwell, drained and uninspired. They get severely sick, injured or otherwise held in check by their physical condition.
It’s a common phenomenon. And it’s not your body that fucks you up in the meanest ways: It’s your psyche – the servant of soul – that stops you in your tracks and develops all kinds of ailments.
Because you didn’t listen otherwise. There’ve been tons of nudges, signs and messages for you – everywhere. But you were busy looking away. It didn’t match your level of comfort.
I have a few words of comfort though, or maybe even the impulse you need to get moving:
Comfort is not sustainable and it isn’t a thing to pursue anymore. Whatever comfort you’re seeking – this year it’ll get ripped off of you as quickly as you tried to use it to patch up the holes on your soul.
Let them show and let the light in through them. Any external comfort, and any internal comfort as well (like lying to yourself with positive affirmations that you just don’t succeed to buy into anyway) – it holds you back, it makes you heavy and slow.
I’m actually terrified myself, writing this to you. This is nothing I’ve deliberately put in a smooth, catchy and articulate paragraph, this is coming through me from a place outside of me.
And the message is valid for me, too. So of course I’m thinking:
“Argh, what does this mean for me? Anything about to get taken away from me? No playing small, no hiding? Damn. Sounds like work! But I’m tired!”
But I don’t really have a choice, and you haven’t either. That is, if you are determined to grow, stretch, expand and transform. If you are dedicated to bust through shame, fear and constrictions.
This is not about some tweaks in your everyday life.
This is about the deep, scary and yucky stuff. About the things that have tremendous power over you while you can’t even name them.
Right now, right here, looking into your phone, computer, whatever….. Take a breath and feel it. It’s there, it want’s your attention. It’s wanted your attention since lifetimes. Do you want to drag it around for another round and suffer some more?
If yes, I totally get it. I’m into suffering big-time myself. I’m very passionate, too, which is basically the same as being a bad-ass skilled sufferer.
The term itself has its root in the Latin word “passio” (I have 5 years hardcore Latin under my belt, so I tell you this without even straining Google and trying to look smart^^). So, here you go: “Passio” means “suffering”.
I can really get off on suffering. And many times I let it swallow me.
But there are other times when I’m having these very lucid moments, not polluted by anyone’s well-meant advice or judgement, nor by my own small-mindedness.
These moments have been more frequent and I have a strong desire to share this with you, to remind you that you do have the power to create whatever you please. The power to conquer and transform whatever is weighing you down.
Yes, that demon of yours may be huge – and that’s exactly why you want to face it and make it your ally instead of your enemy.
Much creative energy and power is sitting there in the dark. Do you want to waste it or taste it?
You can escape into all kinds of stuff that keep your mind and body busy.
Sex, food, substances, sleep… even chanting mantras or any kind of physical or spiritual practice can be a mere distraction, if used to suppress unpleasant feelings, memories and patterns from coming up. It’s not healing then, but escapism.
I’ve recently had a ‘very spiritual’ person telling me: “Why would I do this to myself – revisiting this painful episode from my past? I don’t want to feel this way. I want to bring healing and joy.”
With that said, they got busy practicing, singing, and giving advice regarding dealing with shadow to others.
I’m all for facing your shit and dealing with it. For telling your story. Saying it out loud. Telling it again. Repeating your excuses, over and over again until you find them hilarious yourself and *snap* a part of you no longer is tied up with this crap. Getting off on your suffering. Alchemizing it.
I do this, too. I’ve stopped counting the times I referred to my own fucked up past. It makes for killer excuses, great stories and makes me look almost invincible, and definitely powerful and bad-ass.
I noticed how the old story loses its power over me, though. It’s a process and I’m impatient, but I see how it’s started shifting.
The story doesn’t cease to be true, but my role in it changes. I can tell it as a victim or from an empowered perspective. And it doesn’t define me. I can create something new.
I’m not a saint. I’m broken-winged and still healing myself. But I stand up for myself and I stopped being invisible (disobeying what I was taught to be) some time back. It’s been worth the anxiety and panic attacks.
Strength comes from a willingness to expose your darkest and weakest spots to the light.
I want to be surrounded by people who don’t just “have faith”, but are also genuinely interested in getting their lives together, taking responsibility and stop being co-dependent and attached to their misery or starving artist image.
You are confined only by the limits you impose upon yourself. I already said it, but it’s so important, it deserves to be said over and over again.
Some questions that I’m pondering and that I want to share with you:
What if you challenged those limits?
What would you have to let go of?
What would you gain?
And where would it take you?
You are so much more than you think. Dormant potential and ecstasy.
Get honest with yourself – is now the time?
About the Author:
Lina Boldt is a mentor and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her website Disobey With Grace or facebook, where she also hosts a group for rebels and messy souls.